Ster VS Da 4Says of Evle
by WTFamidoingwithmyexistence
Summary: Not gonna lie, this story will make you want to gouge your eyes out from how bad it is. But if for some reason you're still interested let me explain quickly. This story is every episode of Star VS rewritten and """"improved"""" by me. Has some swear words, violence, and sexual jokes, don't click if you're easily offended.
1. Ster Cums 2 Erf Pt I

_**Ok, so, I'm gonna be rewriting every episode of Star VS the Forces of Evil for the lolz. This is gonna be really bad. Like, absolute garbage levels of entertainment. Just a forewarning.**_

Murco "Safe Kid" Deez was sitting in his math/science/language arts/world history/home economics class diligently taking notes. Suddenly the loudspeakers in the classroom, and presumably the entire school, turned on with a crackle.

"Murco Deez to the principal's office! Murco Deez to the principal's office!"

Murco was surprised for a second, but that surprise quickly turned to smugness as he smiled smugly. "Oooh~, looks like somebody's in trouble."

Murco stood up from his desk and sauntered to the front of the class before continuing rubbing his schoolmate's faces into how wrong they were. "So, I guess everyone who voted me 'safest kid' must be feeling _pretty_ embarrassed right about now?"

Murco quickly zipped over to the teacher's desk where the beautiful and enticing Miss Skullnick was delicately painting her perfect toenails. "Am I going to need a hall pass?"

"Would you just **go already**?!" Miss Skullnick shouted angrily causing Murco to quickly slip out of the room under her angry scowl.

Murco escaped the confines of the high school classroom and breathed a sigh of relief as he also escaped Miss Skullnick's gaze. He started making his way to the principal's office, careful not to slip on the mysterious puddle of water in the hallway. Murco saw the principal staring a chest full of gold and jewels while a pretty blonde girl looked about curiously.

"Murco!" Principal Skeeves said happily as Murco swaggered up to the tall, skinny man. "I want you to meet the new foreign exchange student: Ster Butforfly."

Murco followed the principal's outstretched arm towards the blonde girl who stared intently at the water fountain before pushing the button. She gasped as water sprayed out of the tap… piece… thingy… before angrily assuming a fighting stance and growling.

"Huh?" Murco asked raising an eyebrow at the strange girl.

"I need a responsible, never take chances type to keep an eye on her. And who better than _you_ the safe kid?" Skeeves said gripping Murco on the shoulder as hard as he could, permanently scarring the boy's arm.

"What!?" Murco shouted escaping the delicate grip of the principal. "Nononono! I am completely wrong for this! I'm a misunderstood bad boy!"

"You're adorable!" Skeeves said grabbing Murco's cheek and tearing off a piece of it for later. "Now I'm off to the strip club, Daddy's seeing all 52 titties!"

Murco groaned and rolled his eyes over to the blonde girl as she growled and proceeded to bite the water fountain several times. "Heh, I've got something else you can munch on."

"What?" Ster asked releasing the fountain and looking over curiously at the cute Latino.

"I said let me show you around." Murco said gesturing with his left arm to his right.

Murco begrudgingly began walking through the school while Ster happily skipped behind, around, and then in front of him. "Thanks for showing me around, safe kid!~"

"Ugh, what? No." Murco said groaning so loud I could hear it in my apartment on the other side of the country. "Look, whatever you heard about me isn't true."

Ster gasped and quickly waved to the passing janitor. "Hi!~"

"I don't know where people get the idea I'm so safe!" Murco shouted angrily before quickly pushing a hand against Ster's chest. "Oh, watch your step, loose tile."

Ster gasped and escaped Murco's perverted hand to sneak a peak into a nearby trash can while he rattled on. "It's ridiculous!" Murco quickly closed an open locker. "Careful. You wear a jockstrap in the gym shower 1 time and you're labeled for life!"

"Hey who closed my locker?" A random student asked with a sigh as he returned from the bathroom.

"Ooh, broken glass!" Murco said violently grapping Ster's shoulders and forcefully moving her around a broken… glass… object. "Frankly, I like taking risks and would welcome a little danger in my life!"

Ster seized the opportunity to begin Municipality's hostile takeover of Erf and turned an innocent butterfly into a fearsome monster. It screeched a terrifying war cry as Ster smiled sweetly at it and watched as it flew over to a passing student and grabbed him. Murco hid behind Ster in fear as the student was whisked away while screaming in utter terror.

"What the heck was that!?" Murco shouted pointing at the disappearing boy and monster.

"Oops~." Ster said with a fake sheepish giggle. "I thought you wanted a little _dangah~_."

Murco took a step back and looked at the blonde with disgust. "Who _are_ you?"

"I'm…" Ster said gearing up for her incoming assault on the school grounds. "A magical princess~, from another dimension~!"

Murco stared in horror as the rainbow the girl created around herself with her magic wand suddenly caught on fire. Murco clasped his hands together as he put on a brave face. "Welp, that brings us to the end of our tour. I'm going home now."

"Bye new friend~! See you tomorrow~!" Ster shouted as the boy smiled brightly before quickly turning tail, pulling the hood of his hoodie on, and running like a bitch. "Bye~! Bye new friend~! See you later~!"

Ster turned to the now, engulfed in flames, building beside herself and smiled wickedly as she quickly hopped along after her new friend. Due to her amazing and unbelievable skills of luck, intuition, and guessing she correctly found the home of her new friend. She somehow arrived before he did and let herself in the front door.

"Hi new family~!" Ster shouted kicking down the front door and startling Mr. and Mrs. Deez.

"Hello new daughter!" Mr. Deez shouted back running over and ensnaring Ster in a tight hug.

"We always knew you'd come!" Mrs. Deez shouted joining in on the group hug.

"I'm the new foreign exchange student who's going to be living with you~!" Ster announced happily as she trio of huggers unhugged and made their way to the couch.

"That's great news!" Mrs. Deez said as the trio sat down on the couch.

"What foreignity did you come from?" Mr. Deez asked putting his arm on the back of the couch, _not, I repeat_ _ **not**_ around Ster.

"I come from far~, far~ away~… a magical land called Municipality~." Ster said gripping her wand tightly. "It's in another dimension~. I was sent to Erf to scout it out before the invasion."

Mr. and Mrs. Deez both laughed at Ster's completely serious statement as the door opened, the repairman having already arrived and repaired it while they talked, and Murco walked in.

"Hnng!" Murco… sounded? He didn't really say it but it's the sound he made. When he saw the crazy blonde girl from school sitting on his living room couch between his parents.

"Oh, Murco!" Mrs. Deez shouted as Ster began bouncing in her seat. "Come meet the new foreign exchange student who's going to be living with us!"

"Wha… wh-wha…" Murco sputtered out in shock. This pretty, albeit insane, girl was going to be living with him? This oughtta be fun.

"What~!?" Ster shouted looking between Mr. and Mrs. Deez before hopping off the couch. "I had no idea these were _your_ parents~!" Ster smiled sweetly to hide her deceit. "I just assumed everyone on Erf had the last name Deez!"

"Won't it be nice to have Ster's upbeat, lively energy around the house?" Mrs. Deez asked as she and her husband cuddled together on the couch.

"We could've gotten that from a litter of puppies." Murco said before suddenly being pushed into the wall by Ster as she gasped.

"I. _Love_. Puppies~!" Ster shouted before quickly firing a colorful laser beam at the floor and conjuring up 8 yipping puppies. Ster didn't plan for it at the time, but her inclusion of 8 growing dogs would absolutely tank the Deez's savings forcing them to file for bankruptcy the following year.

"Awwwww." Mr. and Mrs. Deez said together as they held each other tighter.

Suddenly the puppies began firing dozens of dangerous death lasers, smashing through the walls and windows, killing seven innocent bystanders bringing Ster's current murder tally to eight. The lasers didn't just destroy lives, they also destroyed a lamp, a framed picture with some fuckboy sitting between his parents, and soon Mr. Deez's eye.

Ster faked a nervous laugh of embarrassment as Murco stared her down angrily.

"Hehe, well they _are_ really cute." Mr. Deez said with a chuckle before being shot in the eye by a laser. "Aigh, my eye!" Mr. Deez laughed insanely to try and hide his unbearable pain.

"Murco why don't you show Ster her new room?" Mrs. Deez asked ignoring her husband's pain and suffering.

"Yay~!" Ster shouted running up the stairs and leaving Murco to drag her suddenly appearing chest up the stairs while the laser puppies desperately tried to land a shot on Murco but kept hitting Ster's impervious to laser beams chest.

"Here's your new room." Murco said through clenched teeth as he dragged the chest a few more feet into the bland spare bedroom. He released the handle on the chest and dropped the 72-ton box of stuff onto his foot, breaking several of his toes as a result. "Ow!"

"Okaaaayyyy~~~… I can work with this~." Ster said to herself as she thoughtfully looked around the room. She took in a deep breath before shouting and raising her wand into the air. "Sparkle, glitter, bomb expand!"

In a flash a new wing was added to the Deez household. Ster's wing, which was more like a tower but let's not get into semantics, jutted out and upwards from the house. Murco and Ster stood on the ground floor of her bedroom tower-wing and stared up at the high ceiling.

"Whoa." Murco said simply.

"Ahh~." Ster said hopping onto her new bed and jumping on it, getting dirt and mud all over the sheets because she didn't take her boots off beforehand. "That's better~!"

"I wish I had a room like this." Murco said causing Ster to hop off the bed and grab his shoulder tenderly.

"You do~?" Ster asked getting close to Murco's face before quickly pulling back and running off towards his room.

"Huh?" Murco asked himself as he quickly followed the foreign invader to his room.

"Mystic room suck transform!" Ster shouted as she fired a black hole into Murco's floor.

Both teens began screaming as the sheer power of the black hole threatened to suck them both in, just like all of Murco's belongings. Ster desperately tried to pull the door shut but couldn't do to the sheer force of the sucking coming from the floor. One of the laser puppies was lifted off the floor and then pulled swiftly into the hole, murder tally just went up to nine.

One of Ster's boot's and both of Murco's sneakers were torn from their feet as Ster finally managed to close the bedroom door. Ster smiled nervously, the first genuine embarrassment she's felt since she came to Erf, at Murco as he fumed.

"Suck?! Suck!? Why was the word suck in that spell!?" Murco shouted as the laser puppies viciously assaulted him with lasers, somehow not hurting him at all.

Ster hopped to her feet and began hopping from one to the other in place. "I don't know it just came out that way!"

Ster enacted a cutesy pose, turning slightly away from Murco and lifting one foot off the ground while she pointed a finger at her sheepish smile. Murco didn't see the adorableness in front of him as he groaned and slammed his face against his door, knocking at least 3 teeth out of his mouth.

Ster noticed that her act of pure cuteness went unnoticed and gave up on the effort. "I'm sorry Murco. Uh…" Ster looked around her feet uselessly before an idea popped into her head. "How about a little sunshine to brighten your day~?"

Murco didn't notice the smiling sun that appeared above his head, but he did notice the cloud of rain that began raining onto his head. "Stormy Storm?! That's a mid-tier effect _at best_! I can't take this anymore, if you're moving in I am moving out!"

As Murco said this he moved towards the open window nearby and swiftly climbed onto the sill before slipping out of it. Luckily the cacti broke his fall, but if you or a loved one are suffering from depression seek professional help.

"Are you okay~?" Ster called out as she leaned forward out of the window to see Murco lying in a pile of cacti.

"Luckily the cacti broke my fall." Murco said through gritted teeth as he slowly got to his feet.

"Do you need any help~?" Ster asked as Murco flung a cactus that was trying to make love to his foot.

"I'm fine!" Murco said as he stormed off. "Just leave me alone!"

"Eh, uh. Eh, uh. Eh, uh." Ster moaned and groaned to herself as she mentally debated chasing after her best friend on Erf. She quickly walked away before running back. "Eh, uh."

 _ **End of chapter 1, and might I say this Is probably my favorite project I've undertaken. Though, let's be honest here, it'll probably end up unfinished and unloved, like pretty much every project I've undertaken. This will most likely have Sterco in it, probably, maybe, perhaps.**_

 _ **As always feel free to flame, berate, insult and mock me in the reviews.**_


	2. Ster Cums 2 Erf Pt II

_**Part 2 boys (and girls) here we fucking go!**_

 _ **Warning: Graphic Fight Scene in this chapter, I explain how Ster and Murco execute several monsters.**_

Murco entered the local gas station still being drenched by the raincloud put over his head by his former new housemate. "Gimme dat sweet kush, bro."

"What?" The cashier asked with a bored expression on her face.

"I want a freezie, please." Murco said reaching into his pocket and pulling out a dripping wallet. "And a chocky bar."

"Chocky?" The cashier asked.

"Chocolate." Murco said as he retrieved two soaked bills from his soaked wallet.

"Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to leave." The cashier said placing a freezie that was prepared just for a situation involving a wet teenager.

"Fine, but don't expect my business in the future!" Murco said with a huff as he tossed the bills at the woman and snatched his freezie before grabbing a random candy bar off a shelf.

"Sir, you only gave me 2 dollars, you still owe-" The cashier let out a sigh as she looked up to see the teenager had disappeared. "Of course, he ran away."

Murco ran outside of the gas station and escaped. What a racist establishment, forcing him to leave because he was soggy. Definitely gonna report this to the Dolphins of America Foundation.

"Hey brother, do me a solid, **refill this for me**!" Murco shouted to a random man who passed in front of the gas station. The man was obviously racist against the wet as well and ran inside without so much as a word. "They won't let me back inside because I'm _**soggggyyyyy**_!"

Murco hopped from one foot to the other happily as he shouted to no one about his unfair treatment in the world. A woman and her child whom he had never met before walked out of the gas station.

"Did you bring me my refill?!" Murco shouted to the terrified woman who quickly covered her child's eyes.

"Don't make eye contact!" The woman said as she rushed her child away to a life of bigotry and racism against the undry.

Murco munched down on his candy bar, not even taking the wrapper off, and his straw loudly before shouting to no one. "You come to my house you bring nudie magazines!"

Murco suddenly looked to his left to see a pretty blonde girl, but not just any pretty blonde girl, an insane pretty blonde girl. But not just any insane pretty blonde girl, an insane pretty blonde girl with a magic wand, but not just any insane pretty blonde girl with a magic wand, an insane pretty blonde girl with a magic wand hellbent on depopulating Erf. BUT NOT JUST ANY-

"What are you doing here!?" Murco shouted as he did several jumps and flips away from the insane blonde girl with a magic wand and devil horns that were hopefully just a headband.

Ster subtly tapped a button on the side of her wand and sad music began to play. "I didn't get a choice about coming here to Erf. A-And you didn't get a choice about… having to deal with me."

Murco's face softened ever so slightly.

"I'll find another family to live with…" Ster said looking down solemnly.

Murco stared at the girl in front of him with understanding eyes, how could he have been so judgmental? She wasn't insane, just a foreigner… but she still had to gtfo. Before he could encourage her to find another home he looked behind her to see dozens of monsters. "S-St-Ster?"

Ster followed Murco's pointing finger to the mob of monsters behind her and trailed downwards to the handsome kappa face (get it because Ludo is a kappa). "Ster Butforfly, at last I've found you!"

"Lewd Ho, how did _you_ know I was here?!" Ster asked pointing a finger at the small black and white face.

Lewd Ho chuckled deviously. "Wouldn't you like to know?"

"Yes, that's why I asked." Ster said nodding in affirmation.

"Well, Butt Frog- Hey!" Lewd Ho apparently caught onto her devious scheme. "I don't have to tell you anything! Get her!"

The mob of monsters roared as they ran into battle, Ster stood and waited for her knight in red hoodie to jump in front of her. He did, but not by his own will as a monster had flanked them and knocked him in front of her. Murco sprung into action, finally having the excuse of self-defense so he could murder some monsters.

"HI-YA!" Murco screamed as he punched a monster in the gut, then uppercutted him and then did a backflip to slam his head into the ground. The monster's head cracked against the pavement sealing his fate as Ster chuckled in impressment.

"Whoa-ho-ho… You can fight?" Ster asked looking down at the monster as a pool of blood began appearing underneath his head.

"It's called… Karate!" Murco shouted as he swiftly karate chopped a monster in the neck crushing his trachea and causing him to slowly choke to death.

Ster laughed as she jumped into action and dodged a monster's hammer swing before kicking him right in the balls causing his hammer to fly out of his hands and above him. The hammer came crashing down and cracked his skull as he fell over dead.

"KARATE!" Murco screamed as he launched himself in a flying kick at a monster kicking the monster against the sword in the hand of the monster directly behind the first.

Ster fired a turquoise laser beam at a monster that fried the monster's internal organs as it launched him backwards.

Murco slammed his karate chopping hand down into a monster's head splitting it in half… no wait that was just a two-headed monster. He rapidly punched both heads knocking them unconscious.

"Woohoo!" Ster cheered as she did a front flip off the top of a car and rolled towards a giant giraffe monster. She quickly ascended the beast and jumped off it's neck. "Rainbow fist punch!"

The giraffe was sent flying through the door of the car and knocked unconscious. Since he was unconscious he didn't know that Murco opened the opposite car door and used his head as a fist to knock down another monster.

"Hah!" Ster laughed as she slammed her wand onto the head of a monster cracking his skull and ending his life.

Murco ran up beside her and they put their backs together as he punched a monster in the throat knocking him down.

For some unknown reason Ster decided to fire a non-lethal laser beam at a giant frog that was surprisingly buff. The frog was knocked into a light post next to Lewd Ho who swiftly berated the monster. "Victory or death comrade! _Get up_!"

The monochrome face of a handsome man nudged the fallen frog to his feet. Renewed with honor and glory the 'buff frog' tore the light post out of the ground and used it as a weapon as he charged Ster, **FOR THE GLORY OF THE MOTHERLAND!**

Seeing the frog's passion for his homeland Ster decided to spare his life once more and used her favorite spell. "Jellybean hallucination mist!"

The frog's yelling cut off as he began tripping balls and talking to his hands "Whoa… what is happening?"

Ster and Murco locked eyes for a second before being kicked to the ground and receiving several scratches on their faces from a giant chicken. Ster and Murco quickly got to their feet and kicked the giant chicken and the triple-eyed spud child down.

Ster charged her wand up and uttered three words, these words would be the last thing four monsters would hear before death. "Mega narwhal blast!"

Ster and Murco looked out upon the carnage they created, before them lay 10 deceased monsters and dozens more that were simply injured. Ster pulled out a small notebook and swiped seven tally marks inside for a total of sixteen kills since her arrival on Erf.

"You want some of _this_ Lewd Ho?" Ster asked displaying her tally marks to the fallen kappa.

"No…" Lewd Ho said with a sigh as he pulled out a pair of scissors with skulls on the handle. "You see you morons!? This Is what happens when you don't even lift bro. Your aim is like pudding, JUSTAIM4HEAD!"

Ster and Murco watched as Lewd Ho cut his losses and called for his remaining soldiers to retreat into the sudden portal he tore in space and time. Once all his monsters were through he followed suit but stood in the portal to let out one final threat.

"I'll get you Ster Butfor-eughghgh" Lewd Ho was cut off by the portal closing and chopping off a single lock of his beautiful hair.

"That was amazing! I was amazing!" Murco gushed over his own accomplishments as Ster put her notebook away with a smug smile. "You were amazing!"

"Yeah, I guess we were." Ster said with an exaggerated shrug as she subtly tapped the button on her wand playing the same sad music once again. "Well… I should probably go pack my bags…"

Ster slowly trudged off with a sad face on her face causing Murco to spring into action after her. "Wait! I don't want you to go, I want you to stay with us."

" _ **REALLY!?**_ " Ster shouted whipping around with a huge smile on her face. "Hugs~!"

Murco smiled smugly to himself as he reciprocated the show of affection from the blonde whirlwind of death and destruction. A pretty blonde girl living with him who doesn't shy away from displays of affection? He gusta.

Finally, Ster broke the embrace and they began walking home, careful not to get blood on their… well Ster was only wearing one boot and stockings and Murco had no shoes at all, so I guess feet would be the proper word in this situation.

"Are there gonna be monsters attacking us all the time?" Murco asked doing several kicks and swipes, already addicted to the rush that comes with the kill.

"Yeah, probably~." Ster said with a huge grin as she began to realize she found a new murder buddy.

"Alright! Sounds so dangerous!" Murco said with an evil laugh as they crossed the street. "Hm, I feel like I'm forgetting something…"

"Whatever you say, wild man~." Ster said as she fired a laser into the sky that twisted and turned beautifully before slamming into a passing helicopter, killing all 3 occupants in a ball of fire and rainbows.

 _ **End of Chapter 2, boom! This chapter was pretty bad, and I don't entirely love it but… well that's it I don't entirely love it. Oh, and yes, Ster did remember to add 3 more tallies to her kill count.**_

 _ **Onto the reviews:**_

 _ **Cartoonmaniac3976 – Your review spurred me to write this second chapter only a mere 5 hours after the first.**_

 _ **SuicideGuy – Agreed, Sterco OTaP! Thanks for agreeing to love this if no one else will, it warms my black hole (you see, I have no heart, just a black hole from which no love can escape).**_

 _ **As always feel free to flame, berate, insult, and mock me in the reviews.**_


	3. Part A Wif a Unicorn Pt I

Ster and Murco entered their house and collapsed onto the couch in the living room. They both let out a sigh and rolled their heads over to look at each other. They both smiled as the memories of the murders they just committed came flooding back to their minds.

"Did you see that monster's guts after I kicked him onto that sword?" Murco asked with a laugh.

"Did you see that monster's brains after I knocked his hammer onto his own head?" Ster asked with a laugh.

"Ahh… Good times." They said together as they sank further into the couch.

They sat next to each other on the couch for several minutes, just kind of sitting there doing nothing but breathing. Breathing… in and out… in and out… after a few more minutes of nothingness Ster sat up.

"Murco…" Ster whined pathetically as she turned to Murco with a look made of pure, concentrated sadness. "I'm hungry."

"Don't worry your pretty little head Ster, Murco Deez is on the case!" Murco shouted as he quickly hopped off the couch and ran into the kitchen.

"Hurray!~" Ster cheered happily as she hopped off the couch and skipped into the kitchen after Murco.

"What I am about to cook for you will be the great, most delicious, most satisfying meal you've ever had!" Murco declared loudly as he began pulling out several bags of shredded cheese from the fridge.

"Ooh!~ I'm starving to death with anticipation!~" Ster said bouncing in place from anticipation.

Ster watched Murco move around the kitchen with lightning speed, tossing handfuls of shredded cheese to and fro with reckless abandon. He poured an entire bag of tortilla chips onto a plate before pouring around 6 bags of shredded cheese on top. After emptying the final bag of cheese, he stuffed the overflowing plate into the microwave.

"Alright Ster, in exactly…" Murco pushed three buttons on the microwave. "60 seconds, your taste buds will have their socks knocked off!"

"I don't think my taste buds are wearing socks." Ster said sticking her tongue out to show Murco.

"Oh… well then I guess your taste buds will have their… buds knocked… off…" Murco's voice trailed off as he rubbed the back of his head.

Ster gasped as she quickly retracted her tongue before covering her mouth with her hands and speaking in a muffled voice. "If they don't have buds then they'll just be 'tastes'! That's practically stripping them naked Murco!"

"Uh… I don't…" Murco stared at Ster in confusion. "Huh?"

"You just want to see my tongue naked don't you Murco!?" Ster accused angrily as she pointed a finger at the confused boy. "You pervert!"

"What are you going on about?" Murco asked in complete confusion.

"Fine, I guess if it's just you I don't mind letting 'the tastes' out." Ster said with a giggle as she lowered her hands. "Just for a bit, though! And you better not stare!"

"So. Confused." Murco said right as the microwave beeped. Murco retrieved the plate and held it behind his back before loudly shouting. "Alright Ster, feast your eyes on this!"

"Murco's~ Super~ Awesome~ Nachos!~" Ster sang out loud as she clapped her hands excitedly. Ster gasped as she pulled a chip off the top of the pile. "Triangle food!~"

Ster opened her mouth to eat the chip whole but was rudely interrupted by a loud knock coming from the back door. Murco opened the door and peered out into the dark backyard suspiciously not seeing anything. He checked up and down to his right, then to his left, and then to the floating unicorn head.

"Yo, what up home fries?" The unicorn head asked with a smug grin.

Murco screamed like a little girl and collapsed onto the floor, flinging his nachos all over the lawn and himself.

"Oh my gosh!~~" Ster shouted stepping forward and crushing Murco's manhood with her boot. "Floating Duchess Unicorn Face!~~~"

"Oh, _hello_ B-Fly!" Floating Duchess Unicorn Face said as Ster pulled the floating unicorn head into a tight embrace. "Giirrll, we're going out tonight! Are you ready to make some baaaad choices?!"

"Let me just wake up Murco!" Ster said pointing her thumb at Murco's crippled and burnt body lying on the ground.

"Oh, that is not a dead person?" Floating Duchess Unicorn Face asked in surprise.

"Not… dead…" Murco groaned from the ground lifting one hand into the air to prove he was, in fact, alive.

"Unicorn Face meet my _best friend_ Murco Deez." Ster said pulling Murco off the ground just enough to wave his arm rapidly with her own hand. Floating Duchess Unicorn Face had a look of utter horror and betrayal on her face.

"Your best friend?" Floating Duchess Unicorn Face asked with dismay.

"Yep, best friend! Don't worry though, you'll be my bestie number 2!" Ster said with a smile as she idly moved Murco's arms around to amuse herself. "Murco, this is the unicorn I've never told you about."

Murco slowly opened his eyes to see a face full of pink glitter get blown into them before an annoying voice rang in his ears.

"I hate your face plus you're ugly." Floating Duchess Unicorn Face laughed to herself before flying back up to Ster's eye level. "Tick-tock girl! Let's partaay!"

"Yeah Murco, let's paaartaaah!" Ster shouted grabbing Murco's wrist and pulling him to his feet.

"With her? Um, okay well, I was gon- B-But I mean I was gon-…" Murco stopped when he saw Ster's face filled once more with pure, concentrated sadness. "Ugh, alright."

"My first and second besties are gonna be besties!" Ster shouted happily as she pulled both bestie 1 and 2 into a tight hug.

"Sweet!" Floating Duchess Unicorn Face said escaping Ster's embrace and floating upwards. "Let's go!" Floating Duchess Unicorn Face moved her tongue around in her mouth for a few moments before spitting out a pair of scissors. "Bleh."

Ster gasped. "Dimension scissors? Ah! Jealous!"

"Wait, we're going to another-" Murco's question was cut short by Ster, whom still had an arm around him, pulling him into the purple portal Floating Duchess Unicorn Face had just created.

"Come on!~" Ster shouted as she yanked Murco through space and time and whatever else is involved in this dimensional travel bullshit.

Ster and Murco fell onto a comfy couch made from clouds with Ster laughing and Murco screaming in terror. After a few seconds Floating Duchess Unicorn Face came floating down in front of them. Murco had landed face first into the cloud and had to fix his position so he could look around.

"Huh?" Murco watched a couple of strange looking creatures dancing about and two robots killing it in the DJ booth. "Where are we?"

"The Bounce Lounge!" Ster declared as Murco got off the cloud couch and began walking forward. "My favorite place to chiiill… just stay away from the edge."

"Huh?" Murco asked as he nearly walked off the edge into a horrific pit of small plastic balls and children. Murco screamed as he nearly toppled over into the ginormous ball pit of death but luckily, he was saved by Ster grabbing his arm and pulling him all the way across the dance floor. Damn, she has long arms.

"Murco, photo booth! Photo booth!" Ster shouted before using her butt to violently push Floating Duchess Unicorn Face into the photo booth. "Come on!"

Murco shouted as Ster literally threw him into the photo booth to come face to face with Floating Duchess Unicorn Face. Ster quickly inserted herself between the pair and the trio took several stupid looking pictures together.

"Now… just you two! A souvenir from the night my first best became besties with my second bestie, yaaay!~~~" Ster said as she floated out of the photo booth leaving bestie 1 and bestie 2.

"Listen." Floating Duchess Unicorn Face growled at Murco as soon as Ster was gone. "We are not gonna be besties, we are not even gonna be close friends."

The camera in the photo booth went off and they posed cutely with one another before quickly resuming their intense staring contest.

"Bring it on unicorn bitch! Murco said pointing a finger at Floating Duchess Unicorn Face.

"Oooooh you think you can call me a bitch?!" Floating Duchess Unicorn Face asked swinging her head back and forth.

The camera in the photo booth went off and they posed cutely with one another before quickly resuming their intense staring contest.

"Look here Erf Shit, this night is really important to me. You mess that up, and you gonna get _the horn_." Floating Duchess Unicorn Face said poising her extremely sharp horn at Murco's neck.

The camera in the photo booth went off and they posed cutely with one another before quickly resuming their intense staring contest.

"Got it?" Floating Duchess Unicorn Face asked still holding Murco at hornpoint as she floated around him so her back was facing the exit. "Good. Real good. Later!"

Murco shivered and clutched his chest as Floating Duchess Unicorn Face flew out of the photo booth as the camera in the photo booth went off and he stared directly at the lens with a face of pure terror. Murco peeked his head out of the photo booth and saw Ster and Floating Duchess Unicorn Face dancing like a couple of fools. Murco snuck up behind Ster and lightly poked her in the back of her shoulder.

"Psst, Ster, I need to talk to youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!" Murco's final word was stretched out as Ster gently grabbed his hands and began spinning him around. Ster laughed happily as Murco continued in vain to try and talk to her. "Ster, Unicorn Face threatened to- oughwoap"

Murco was suddenly knocked out of Ster's gentle handhold and towards the edge of the Bounce Lounge. He screamed as he bounced off the plush clouds at the edge and only barely managed to grab the side before falling into the pit of plastic balls.

"Fall! Fall! Fall! Fall!" A child in the pit of balls shouted upwards at Murco who whimpered in fear.

"Murco, be careful!" Ster said softly as she held a hand out for Murco to take which he gladly did and was pulled up to safety.

"Unicorn Face just tried to shove me off this cloud!" Murco said defiantly as he gestured to the edge of the cloud where the child could still be heard chanting for him to fall.

"Oh… nooo, she just gets a little wild when she dances." Ster said dismissively as Murco looked over her shoulder at Floating Duchess Unicorn Face riding a dude like a horse, it was kind of sexual.

"She also threated to _skewer me_ in the photo booth!" Murco shouted angrily pointing a finger at his neck for emphasis.

Ster's smile turned to a look of shock before quickly turning to a sheepish smile. "Yeah… she can be a bit… murderous. Especially now that she's been replaced as my first bestie."

"Well, well, well." Murco said adjusting his collar, pleased with his new designation as her first bestie.

"Unicorn Face!" Ster called over to Floating Duchess Unicorn Face bouncing on the ass of the dude from before. "Let's go to the Amethyst Arcade! Murco will have more fun there!"

"No. Way. Girl. I'm. Getting. My. Dance. On!" Floating Duchess Unicorn Face said punctuating each word with a bounce on the poor ass of the dude she was bouncing on. Floating Duchess Unicorn Face turned and looked at a group of armed men in uniforms before suddenly changing her mind. "Yes, you are right Ster, he will like the arcade better let's go!"

Somehow while talking Floating Duchess Unicorn Face managed to cut open a portal with her scissors before flying inside.

"She's warming up to youuu!~~" Ster chanted as she jumped and flapped her hands rapidly. Murco stared at the blue portal for a few seconds and Ster got impatient so she violently punched him in the back sending him into the portal. She plugged her nose with her fingers before diving backwards into the portal herself.

 _ **I have to say I don't like this chapter, or episode for a matter of fact, very much. Mostly because I really don't like Pony Head and think she's the worst character. Like, she does jack diddly squat for 3 entire seasons, is a total bitch to everyone, and still expects Star to be friends with her. If you like Pony Head, go ahead and enjoy her, no shade being tossed in your direction, her character just isn't for me.**_

 _ **With that rant out of the way, I hope anyone reading this can get a weak chuckle out of it or at the very least a blow of air out of your nose.**_

 _ **Onto the Reviews:**_

 _ **Negi . Gen . 500 – I'm surprised someone recognized the TF2 reference that quickly, good job!**_

 _ **Nara257 – Thanks for your kind words, I take great pride in my shitposts… well most of them anyway. All of my FF stories are shitposts, save for one of them.**_


	4. Part A Wif a Unicorn Pt II

"Holy shitballs." Murco said as drool began to drip out of his mouth at the sight before, behind, and all around him. "So many video games!"

"Yes, I knew you would like it here. This place is full of squares." Floating Duchess Unicorn Face said rolling her eyes over to a group of anthropomorphic squares.

"Racism." All the squares said in unison.

"Look!" Ster said grabbing Murco and Floating Duchess Unicorn Face's attention. "Lance Lance Revolution! That's perfect! You guys! Go! Play!"

Murco and Floating Duchess Unicorn Face growled at each other before quickly running, and floating, over to the giant flat screen television. There were already two squares playing but Floating Duchess Unicorn Face swiftly stabbed them with her horn and tossed them aside. Wasting no time, the pair put in their names and began playing by viciously stabbing their air with plastic lances.

"You're going down, downer!" Floating Duchess Unicorn Face shouted through her clenched teeth which were clenched around her lance.

"Oh yeah? Well you're mother's a whore!" Murco shouted back.

"Uh, okay, and your point would be?" Floating Duchess Unicorn Face asked without missing a beat.

"Aw, look at your two, talking shit!" Ster said placing a hand on each of their backs with a squelch. "Ewwww. Oh! I'll go get us some nice cold icicles to put on your disgusting sweaty backs!"

A few seconds later Floating Duchess Unicorn Face became distracted by something to her right and gasped, dropping her lance. Murco sieged the opportunity and swiftly executed her onscreen character, wishing he could do the same IRL.

"Hah! Who's the shit now?" Murco asked.

"Still you!" Floating Duchess Unicorn Face shouted as she flew off quickly.

"Huh, well thank you, I guess." Murco said with a shrug not sure if Floating Duchess Unicorn Face was admitting he was, in fact, the shit or she just wasn't listening.

"Uh, I think I'm next." A square said stepping up alongside Murco. "But with less abusive trash talk, please."

Murco accepted his new challenger and after a few moments of him putting in his name as simply 'Square' the game began. Murco wasted no time in wasting his opponent, easily ganking his bitch ass in seconds. After killing his onscreen counterpart Murco proceeded to do the same to the IRL Square as well.

"Hah! Did you see that Ster? Try and beat _that_ Uniform Face!" Murco shouted to the horrified Squares who just witnessed his murder. "Uh… Ster…? Uniform Face?"

A strong hand suddenly grabbed Murco's shoulder tightly and in seconds he was surrounded by three heavily armed men in tan and brown uniforms. Before he could defend himself, he was quickly pulled away from his adoring audience and into a dark corner of the arcade. He was swiftly tied down to a chair with rope.

"Where is Floating Duchess Unicorn Face!?" One of the men asked shoving the barrel of an overly large handgun in Murco's face.

"I don't know!" Murco shouted in fear.

"WHERE IS SHE!?" A second man asked shoving the barrel of an overly large shotgun in Murco's face.

"I DON'T KNOW!" Murco shouted once more.

" **FOR THE LAST TIME! WHERE IS SHE!?** " The third man asked pointing the barrel of a tiny rifle into Murco's ear.

"I'M TELLING YOU! I DON'T KNOW!" Murco shouted with a sob.

"Not talking, eh? What if I do… THIS!" The guard with the tiny rifle shouted as he began spraying water into Murco's ear.

"STOOOOOP!" Murco pleaded loudly. "That's _really_ annoying!"

"Oh hey, creeps!" An annoying, and familiar, voice shouted suddenly from behind one of the men. "I heard you're looking to ride with a unicorn. So, come and get me!"

The armed men suddenly bolted away from Murco and presumably began chasing Floating Duchess Unicorn Face. Murco could hear _extremely_ annoying laughter and loud screams of terror as he struggled with his ropes. He groaned for a few seconds before finally pulling one of his arms out.

"Hah!" Murco exclaimed happily, now all he had to do was-

"Stand back, Murco!" Ster said suddenly appearing by Murco's side and pointing her wand at the tied-up boy.

"No! It's okay! My hand is free!" Murco shouted rapidly waving his arm to grab her attention.

"Oh, okay, that's good. I was afraid I'd have to sever your head and attach it to a robot or something." Ster said with a sigh of relief as she lowered her wand as more screams began to echo throughout the arcade alongside the annoying laughter.

Murco quickly freed himself of his bonds while Ster watched with perhaps a little too much enjoyment of his situation. As he stood up from the chair there was a large laser beam fired at the giant crystal spikes attached to the roof of the arcade. The laser bounced around the spikes before spreading all over the arcade, striking machines, the ground, and innocent squares.

"Murco, get close to me!" Ster shouted pulling Murco in closely as she cast a protective barrier around them, a very small one that forced them to be stuck against each other. After a few seconds the artillery came to a stop and Ster released them from their protective cuddle session.

"What the heck was all of that?" Murco asked looking around at the death and destruction around them.

"Time to give it up, cupcake." A booming voice was heard saying from somewhere in the arcade.

"Wait a second, is that… Emperor Unicorn Face?" Ster asked herself as she looked around curiously.

"I have no idea, but this is a massacre… we should probably bounce." Murco said watching a poor square struggle to crawl away from a burning arcade machine with ¼ of its body missing.

"Unicorn Face gave me her scissors before she left." Ster said as she pulled out the aforementioned dimensional scissors.

"Sweet, let's get out of here." Murco said as the booming voice from before returned.

"You're going to jail, cupcake, not reform school." The voice said with a laugh to assumedly Floating Duchess Unicorn Face. "You just murdered dozens of innocent squares."

"Yeah, let's get out of here." Murco said in a panicked voice as he gestured for Ster to cut with the scissors.

Ster quickly complied with his request and cut a hole to a random dimension, luckily that random dimension was Erf. Not only that, the portal took them right back to their backyard. Now that I think about it, Ster probably didn't cut a hole to a random dimension.

"Murco…" Ster said quietly as she grabbed Murco's wrist when he tried to walk back into the house. "I feel bad for leaving Unicorn Face."

"Aw, Ster, don't feel bad." Murco said turning to face Ster who had a sad look on her face.

"But she's going to jail!" Ster said releasing his hand and throwing her arms in the air.

Murco laughed heartily. "Ster, she's royalty. She'll be acquitted of all her crimes in a few days."

Ster's face brightened and she joined him in laughter. "Yeah, you're right."

"Corrupt governments am I right?" Murco said as the pair continued laughing and entered the house.

 _ **Alright, this episode is finally finished. I don't really like the chapters, but I feel like I got a few good jokes in them. Also, if anyone was wondering, Ster and Murco did not fix themselves after the room sucking incident and were just walking around missing their respective shoes.**_

 _ **Onto the Reviews:**_

 _ **Firefighter16 – Thanks my friend glad you enjoy it!**_

 _ **Negi . Gen . 500 – Yeah, Ster is a reference to Star_. Got the idea after I saw a thumbnail for an overwatch video with his face plastered over Star and someone else's over Marco.**_

 _ **SuicideGuy – I do have plans to off Pony Head, but sadly I can't implement them just yet. Luckily Pony Head isn't heard from after this point till St. Olga's.**_


	5. Ass Maker

"I like red, I like hoodies, so I bought about a dozen of 'em." Murco explained to a completely enraptured Ster.

"Hey, it's that magic girl!" A random student said as a conglomeration of random students and a janitor waked past.

"Hi new friends, hiii!~" Ster said cheerfully as she waved at the passing students who all gave her various verbal greetings. "Everyone's so cool here, Murco. It makes me kind of feel bad about the impending invasion I'm scouting for."

"Yeah, everyone's _so_ cool. Meanwhile I've been stuck with these fuckwits; Elf Hanzo and Ferguson." Murco said jabbing a finger over his shoulder to a pair of dweebs that I don't even care enough to describe the appearance of for my story.

Suddenly the sound of a skateboard could be heard coming closer drawing their attention away from those two dumbasses harassing an innocent girl. The skateboard and its rider came into view, a smoking hot skater chick with a weird turquoise highlight in her hair.

"Hey Ster Butforfly!" Jackin' It In Thomas said as she skateboarded past the duo.

"Hi Jackin'!~" Ster shouted back cheerfully as she waved her hand at the departing girl.

"Ster, Jackin' It In Thomas is a thot, we don't talk to thots." Murco said wagging his finger at Ster. "But did you see her ass though? Goddamn!"

"All you're looking for in a girl is a good ass?" Ster asked rubbing her chin thoughtfully. "Easy enough, I'm almost as good at ass making as I am with magic!"

"Wouldn't those be one and the same?" Murco asked raising an eyebrow as Ster passed her wand between her hands. "And why do you care what I'm looking for in a girl?"

"No reason!" Ster said immediately, clutching her wand tightly and accidentally firing a laser beam at Elf Hanzo and Ferguson that just barely missed them.

"So close." Murco said with a sigh as he led Ster towards their class. They arrived almost immediately and sat down almost immediately as well. Before either of them knew it, Ms. Skullnick was passing out their homework or test or exam or some other bullshit.

"As you can see class most of you have done a pathetic job!" Ms. Skullnick said as she passed out the class's tests or homework or exams or whatever bullshit.

"Not me!~~~" Ster sang out proudly as she showed Murco her test. "I got an 'F' for 'Fantabulous'!~"

"That's an 'F'… for 'Fuckwit'." Murco whispered to Ster causing her face to fall.

"Huh?" Ster asked looking down at her colorful sheet of paper.

"What? You don't have tests on Municipality?" Murco asked laughing hysterically. "What kind of backwater, hick society doesn't have basic school systems?"

"Uhhhhhhhhhh..." Ster trailed off with this single word for about 20 seconds. "So what grade did you get?"

"Only the best grade you can get! A+, with-" Murco held up his test and pointed at the attached picture of Ms. Skullnick's breasts. "A titty pic!"

"Ooooh!~" Ster said leaning in close to the picture. "I want a titty pic too!"

"Wait, don't-" Murco tried to jump out of his seat and grab Ster but it was too late, she had already run up to the beautiful and enticing Ms. Skullnick.

"Oh, Miss Skullnick!~~~~~" Ster sang out in an angelic voice from behind Ms. Skullnick who was writing some boring math shit on the chalkboard.

Ms. Skullnick growled and snapped the piece of chalk in her hand as she turned to face Ster.

"Hey Skullzy…~" Ster started to say with the sweetest voice she could muster. "Can you do me a teeny favor and turn my F, into some double D's?"

"You're whining about not getting a nude selfie!?" Ms. Skullnick shouted. "I finally got a guy with a boat, and he left me at the dock!"

"A dock?" Ster asked herself quizzically, trying to remember where she had heard that word before.

"A dock is a place where ships come into the harbor to release their cargo and crew!" Ms. Skullnick shouted at the ceiling angrily before calming down. "I guess I'm doomed to dry land."

"I've got it!" Ster announced suddenly. "I'll cast a spell to get you the perfect guy, and it'll also let me get a picture of those titties!"

"What?" Ms. Skullnick asked as Ster began charging up her wand.

"Man Magnet-"

"Wait!"

"Love Uniform!"

 _The following scenes must be omitted as they contain nudity involving an extremely attractive woman. But eventually Ster, Murco, and Ms. Skullnick are teleported to Ster's bedroom tower wing._

"Ahhhh!" Ms. Skullnick screamed as she ran into Ster's closet to find herself some clothing.

"Huh. Where are we?" Ster asked looking around her room.

"You just zapped us back to the house!" Murco said lightly smacking Ster on the back of her head for being so dimwitted.

"Ohhhh." Ster said. "I wish I knew how I did that."

"Why?" Murco asked.

"It could really come in handy if I don't feel like using my legs!" Ster said doing a little kick line dance.

"You have scissors that cut through dimensions dummy!" Murco said giving Ster another Gibbs slap.

"So… what now?" Ster asked looking around curiously.

"I dunno." Murco said sticking his hands in his hoodie pockets.

Suddenly without warning Lewd Ho and his monster army crashed through the walls of Ster's bedroom.

"Lewd Ho! What are you doing here!?" Ster demanded angrily as she pointed a finger at the black and white kappa face.

"Catching you when you least expect it!" Lewd Ho exclaimed, he would have pointed a finger at Ster but, you know, he's just a kappa face.

"What? I can think of like 3 situations where I would expect your arrival way less." Ster said rolling her eyes.

"I don't know, you seem… pretty surprised." Lewd Ho said quickly looking her up and down.

"Eh… not really." Ster said crossing her arms and tapping her wand against her shoulder.

"Oh well. I'll come back later, when you _least_ expect it." Lewd Ho said before cutting a portal and leading his monster army back home.

"Huh, well that easier than I-"

"GET HER!" Lewd Ho shouted from behind Ster as his monster army suddenly came flooding out of a portal behind her and Murco.

Lewd Ho's monsters roared as they charged the screaming Ster and Murco who quickly made a tactical withdrawal from their current position. Ster and Murco led the monsters out of one of the many holes they blew into her walls and into the backyard. They took defensive positions as the monsters charged their position.

"Dagger Crystal Heart Attack!" Ster shouted jumping in the air and firing a barrage of pointy-stabby hearts out of her wand. "Feel the love!"

Half a dozen monsters were cut down in their prime by hearts piercing various organs and arteries in their body. Murco warned three monsters about his karate bullshit before grabbing a nearby rake and murdering them with it. After dispatching his enemies, he was stabbed in the back by something pointy.

His attacker was a giant chicken who proceeded to rapidly stab Murco in the back with its beak before being knocked the fuck out after being kicked by Murco. A minotaur like monster stepped up and cracked his knuckles as he approached Murco.

Meanwhile Ster was kicking ass and taking names, already taking her own score of monster lives. A familiar buff monster that resembled a frog took a swing at Ster, but she had begun to take a liking to this monster and only bit him on the arm. She still drew blood though.

A large crocodile monster took a bite at Ster, but she easily dodged it before getting rekt by its tail swing that sent her flying. She used this momentum to do a wonderful little twirl in the air before bringing her wand down on the head of a random monster, crushing his skull and his life. She turned around to see Murco getting his ass kicked by the minotaur monster and quickly rescued her squire- Oh shit, wait I mean, uh, friend. It's not Season 3 yet.

"Rainbow blast!" Ster shouted as she fired a deadly laser beam of rainbows at the monster, blowing his head clean off his shoulders. After that execution she fired several narwhal blasts at various monsters. Ster was starting to get a little tired so she decided to have some fun.

"Thermonuclear Butterfly Blast!"

All the monsters, Lewd Ho included, and Murco screamed in terror, but Ster always watches out for her boy and cast a protective barrier around Murco. There was a large explosion that sent a huge rainbow mushroom cloud into the sky. Lewd Ho, somehow surviving the blast, fell out of the sky and Murco had a look of pure awe and slight terror on his face.

Lewd Ho rapidly hopped up and down on one of his fallen monsters' chest. "Get up! Get uuup!"

"Told you I wasn't-" Ster stopped talking and taking down tally marks in her little black notebook of death when she saw the monster Lewd Ho was jumping on. "Wait, did I kill that guy?"

"No, he's not dead." Lewd Ho said jumping one last time. "He's probably just bleeding internally and being a total baby about it!"

"Darn it." Ster said quickly erasing a tally mark out of her book as Lewd Ho tore open another portal.

"Get up you dipshits!" Lewd Ho commanded as he led the surviving monsters back to their homeland.

"35 and… 36!" Ster said swiping one final tally into her notebook before returning it to her pocket. "Hey, Murco, where's Ms. Skullnick?"

"I dunno." Murco said with a shrug that gave him immense pain due to the injuries he sustained in the battle. "Oof, I need to go to the hospital."

"Nah, you just need some lovin' from Doctor Ster." Ster said with a wink as she grabbed his hand and led him inside.

 _She proceeded to magically heal all his wounds before they returned to school with Ms. Skullnick who was just sitting in Ster's room._

 _ **Alright, another mediocre chapter complete. I kept Ms. Skullnick human because I don't really find her being turned into a troll that big of a difference. Yeah there's a few jokes here and there and she 'finds herself' during the fieldtrip, but it doesn't really change much.**_


	6. Skewl Spit Pt I

_**Hehehe, I've been waiting for this chapter since I started writing this. Not gonna spoil it but… Two kids gonna die tonight!**_

 ** _Shout out to SuicideGuy for the amazing name Bitchney Dong instead of Brittney Wong._**

"Oh my gosh!~ I can't wait, I can't wait!~" Ster exclaimed happily as she and Murco sat on the metal bleachers outside of the school alongside dozens of other students. "My very first pep rally, I am so excited!~"

Murco rolled his eyes.

"Shh!" Ster shushed him as she stuck her finger in his mouth.

"And now Bitchney Dong, who became head cheerleader on her own and not because her dad made a generous donation to the school." Principal Skeeves said through the microphone he was holding.

A squad of 6 cheerleaders, 4 girls and 2 boys, came out of left field, literally, carrying a stuck-up bitch named Bitchney Dong. The cheerleaders, sans Dong, cheered about Echo Creek not getting beat as Bitchney literally walked all over them.

"Make some noise if you love the Awesome Opossums!" Bitchney said into the microphone that she swiped from Skeeves.

"I love opossums!~~" Ster shouted enthusiastically as she rapidly shook her head. She suddenly stuck her butt out in front of Murco's face and pointed to her back. "They carry their babies on their backs!~"

Murco noticed that Ster's butt looked… different than he remembered. Not that he tried to look at it, but she obviously did… something to it, he just couldn't figure out what. "You know she's talking about our football team, right? We're going up against the warriors, eugh."

"Warriors?" Ster asked in concern as she put a hand on her chest and sat back down.

"Our rivals from Silver Hill Prep." Elf Hanzo said suddenly jumping into their conversation.

Murco ignored him and turned more towards Ster. "Every year their team slaughters our guys."

"It's gonna be a bloodbath." Ms. Skullnick said from the row behind the pair.

"That's terrible!" Ster said leaning towards Murco. "We must do something!"

"Well, you could join the spirit committee, those kids are relentless when it comes to supporting our team." Murco said gesturing with his eyes towards the field where a male cheerleader did the splits. "Plus, you'd look smoking hot in a cheerleading outfit."

"What a great idea! We'd better pick up some supplies!" Ster said grabbing Murco's wrist and attempting to pull him up.

"As fun as that sounds…" Murco slipped his wrist out of her hand and stuck his hand out of his hoodie's neck hole before pointing at her. "You can go without me."

"Okay!~" Ster said before running off without her better half.

"And now our new mascot, _that I never approved of_ , the Awesome Opossum!" Bitchney said into the microphone before making fake jazz hands and pointing to her right.

A familiar fat nerd in a crudely made opossum suit came bouncing out of right field and jumped right out of his pants, mentally scarring dozens of innocent students.

"Where's the real possum? Did the warriors steal it again? Those jerks!" Murco said to himself, but for some reason Elf Hanzo thought he was being addressed and laid a hand on Murco's shoulder.

"Sadly, the real possum wasn't playing possum." Elf Hanzo said solemnly while Murco slipped out of his grasp and scooted to the opposite end of the bleachers.

"I hiss. I bite. I shake my ass all night!" Ferguson in his stupid fucking possum suit sang from the field.

"Ugh, it's Ferguson." Murco said with a shiver as he watched the tub of lard dance around the field.

"He's our new mascot!" Elf Hanzo said sitting down next to Murco once more.

"Oh, hell yeah! That means the warriors are gonna steal him!" Murco said pumping his fist into the air as Elf Hanzo laughed.

"Oh, that's silly." Elf Hanzo said.

"The only thing that's silly is how easily the warriors will be able to kidnap our mascot!" Murco said, his voice full of determination.

After that he quickly escaped Elf Hanzo and began walking around the school aimlessly, half-heartedly hoping he'd run into Ster.

"Oh, Murco." Ster said sadly suddenly appearing right beside Murco in the hallway.

Murco shouted a bunch of karate bullshit as he stumbled over and collapsed to the floor.

"How can we prevent another tragic loss to our team?" Ster asked grabbing Murco's hands and holding them for a strange amount of time before pulling him to his feet.

 _ **(That's not me embellishing the moment by the way. Watch the episode, she just holds his hands for a second before pulling him onscreen.)**_

"Well, if I knew anything about football, I'd use the element of surprise." Murco said to which Ster nodded.

"Of course, of course, of course."

"Spritz 'em! Bring out the pussycat offense!"

"Yes!"

"Maybe even throw a couple of big bombs!"

"Bombs! Yeah, I've gotta go tell that to the spirit committee! Bye!~~" Ster said as she ran off down the hallway leaving Murco alone and unloved. So, feeling depressed, he walked home alone and unloved.

 _This is as good of a halfway mark as I can find, so just imagine Murco sitting alone watching porn on his laptop or something when Ster asks for flammable liquids._

 _ **You know, watching this episode, there's not much for me to change. Star misinterprets Marco and attempts to murder a bunch of high schoolers. Watches Brittney and the other cheerleaders twerk for a few seconds (and tells Chantelle she has a flat ass). And then she lets some poor football player get sucked into a black hole to save her boytoy.**_

 _ **I love it.**_


	7. Skewl Spit Pt II

"Two, four, six, eight, distract them with our booty shake!"

Murco watched several cheerleaders start gyrating their asses towards the rows of metal bleachers he, and around 50 other people, were sitting on.

"Meh." Murco said as he watched the asses before him move in circles.

Not only was he completely disinterested, but the asses weren't very good, except for Chantelle's, that girl had it goin' on. He looked around the bleachers for a particular insane blonde girl whom he hadn't seen for several hours. When she asked for flammable liquids he assumed she had made the spirit committee but there was a distinctive lack of her booty on the field.

Past the tantalizing cheerleaders lay the football field with dozens of burly men in tight football uniforms… and a couple of terrified teenagers in Echo Creek football uniforms. After a few seconds of watching the field he noticed something odd in the green grass. It looked like a giant mine that one would typically see underwater. And wait, was that a laser grid next to a giant pit covered in a fake patch of grass? Yes, yes it was.

"AHAHAHAHAHA!"

Murco turned to the source of the insane cackling and found Ster standing next to the bleachers in some kind of knight's armor. He quickly put two and two together and got four, so he made his way down the bleachers.

"Ster, what did you do!?" Murco asked causing Ster to look at him with a look of bloodlust he never thought possible.

"I boobytrapped the battlefield." Ster said with a wicked smile. "The only warrior that'll slaughter my school's football team is me!"

"Ster, the warriors aren't actual warriors, that's the name of their football-" Murco suddenly stopped in his explanation as Ster's words made their way through his mind. "Wait, you know they're a sports team?"

"Of course! So, I decided to kill two birds, or rather two teams, with one stone, or rather many deadly traps and obstacles." Ster said lifting a mace with a head larger than Ster's own head and resting the shaft on her shoulder.

"Ster, you can't just go around slaughtering teenage football teams!" Murco yelled waving his arms angrily and freaking out a few nearby people in the bleachers.

"Why not?!" Ster asked angrily.

"Because it's _illegal_!" Murco said with a facepalm. "Look, the game hasn't started yet maybe we can clear the-"

Before Murco could finish his sentence one of the many referees on the field blew his whistle loudly and signaled the start of the game. Murco and Ster turned to the field and watched as one of the Warriors ran up and kicked the football. A large explosion incinerated the unsuspecting footballer and the field along with the bleachers fell silent.

The football landed in the hands of the Echo Creek footballers and they screamed and ran off, igniting the fuse for the rest of the field to do the same. As the bleachers and football field erupted into chaos one of the Warriors found himself being sucked in a random portal in the field. As he was sucked off to fiery pits of the underworld to be burned alive one of the Echo Creek cheerleader boys ran onto the field and stepped on one of the mines.

With a scream of terror, he was blown to smithereens with his remains flying off the field and landing in front of Murco and Ster. Murco heard Ster mutter something about everything going according to plan as one of the referees ran onto the field blowing his whistle and waving a flag. Like an idiot he tripped an obvious trip wire that lifted the end zone he was standing in up and unleashed a horde of horrific monstrosities.

Giant mutant butterflies, giant mutant squirrels, a giant cockatrice, and even 3 flaming cats came barreling out of the freshly opened hole in the field. As the savage beasts began chasing down and devouring innocent teenagers and parents and sports officials Murco turned to Ster. Ster actually looked remorseful of her actions surprisingly enough, trying to hide herself behind her mace.

Ster noticed Murco staring at her and gave a sheepish laugh.

"We've gotta do something!" Murco shouted at her before quickly running off to do something.

The something he did was rescuing 3 of the warriors from a mutant squirrel by fucking it up hardcore with his karate bullshit. Murco brushed his shoulders and gave a smug grin to the 3 warriors he saved as they shouted praises at him. While they were celebrating a mutant butterfly swooped down and snatched one of the warriors causing the others to run off screaming once more.

Murco watched his subjects run away before being tackled from behind by the mutant squirrel he fucked up a few moments ago. He heard Ster shout his name followed by a man screaming as the squirrel readied itself to tear Murco apart. He heard Ster shout another one of her bullshit spells she makes up on the fly and then felt several small objects land on his back.

Murco rolled over to see several squirrels running away from him, save for one which continued to munch on his hoodie. Murco grabbed the small animal and snapped its neck as he stood up and faced his savior. Before he could say anything, the cheerleaders ran past with Bitchney Dong doing what bitches do and putting herself before the others.

"Out of my way!" Bitchney shouted pushing one of the cheerleaders, Chantelle, into the loosely hidden pit of spikes. "I am too pretty to die!"

Bitchney pushed another cheerleader into one of the mines exploding it and the poor girl instantly as she reached the head of the pack. She pushed one of the last remaining cheerleaders into Sabrina, whom Murco was just noticing was in a wheelchair, before pushing them both away from herself. Bitchney Dong screamed as something burrowed underneath her feet and knocked her on her ass.

Murco turned to Ster who simply watched with satisfaction as a giant snake/dragon hybrid monster emerged its head to stare down at the black-haired bitch. Murco turned back to the action just in time to see Bitchney be grabbed by the monster and thrown into the air before being swallowed whole. Once Bitchney was devoured Ster finally jumped into action to attempt a rescue that she knew was already too late.

"Mending Heart Hurricane." Ster said lazily as she pointed her wand at the monster, not even watching where she was aiming and instead inspecting her nails. The dragon snake monster had its head blown off, but Bitchney was nowhere to be seen. "Oh no, I was too late."

Murco rolled his eyes at Ster's sarcastic tone, she obviously could have done something more but Murco always hated that bitch, so he would let this one slide. His eyes landed on 3 more warriors cowering in fear before two of the flaming cat monsters. Murco quickly sprung into action, kicking and punching both giant cats at the same time like a badass.

The third flaming cat came bounding towards him, so he did a quick spin that knocked that cat away as well. He turned to see all three running towards him and on his opposite side two giant squirrels were coming in as well. Murco bowed his head in defeat, knowing he had lost as Ster's voice rang out from above.

"Nuclear Heart Healing Hurricane!" Ster shouted as she suddenly fell out of the goddamn sky for no reason and slammed her wand down into the field as the monster's pounced. A wave of rainbows enveloped the field and dozens of squirrels and cats fell to the ground before running off.

Several more explosions later, the field finally fell into silence as Ster and Murco looked upon the carnage she created. Ster winced as she spotted several charred corpses littering the football field alongside dozens of injured players. She turned to Murco who had his eyes glued to a charred corpse, a fat one.

"He's dead." Murco said simply as he turned to Ster with a huge smile. "He's finally dead!"

"Who's dead?" Ster asked as Murco ran up and began prancing around her.

"Ferguson! Finally, after all those years being stuck with him, he's gone!" Murco cheered as he pumped his fists into the air.

"Ferguson, no!" Elf Hanzo shouted running over to the charred remains of his best friend and fuck buddy.

Murco winced and whispered in Ster's ear. "We should probably get out of here before the police arrive."

And so they did, running away from the carnage they created and leaving dozens of innocent people, and one bitchy cheerleader, dead. Before they left however, Ster did a quick count of the bodies lying around the field and made a mental note to add 37 marks to her notebook of death.

"So, uh, why were you looking remorseful back there?" Murco asked once the pair had reached a safe enough distance from the school.

"Oh, well, when I saw all those people exploding into pieces I realized something…" Ster said looking down at her feet. "Those were innocent people I just murdered."

"Yeah, but that's never stopped you before." Murco said.

"I know but… something just felt different." Ster said shaking her head. "Don't worry about me, alright?"

"Okay." Murco said nodding in understanding. "Still kind of mad I didn't get to see you in a cheerleading outfit."

 _ **Alright, lots of murder in this chapter, but it had to be done to start thinning out the bad characters. Well, bad in my opinion at least, you might like Ferguson, Alfonzo, and Brittney. Also, I feel like I need to say this, just because someone's being a jerk (Brittney) doesn't mean they deserve to die, this is just a shitpost.**_

 _ **Again, big shout out to SuicideGuy for the name 'Bitchney Dong', kind of sucks I'm killing her off so early, but this won't be the last time we hear her name at least.**_

 _ **Reviews:**_

 _ **claudiozero777 - Thanks for your kind words, I'm glad I was able to provide you with entertainment.**_


	8. Hentai Bait

_**Don't get too excited by the chapter's name, no sexy times until Mewberty**_ **( ͡~ ͜ʖ ͡°)**

"La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la!~" Ster sung happily as she skipped down the hallway of the Deez household. As she walked past Murco's room she noticed the door was open and she could hear him breathing heavily. Sneaking up to the doorway she peeked inside hoping to see something interesting.

"HIYAH!" Murco scream as he brought his hand down onto a plank of wood, smashing it in half.

Ster's pupils dilated and she felt her heart stop for a split second, he hates wood too? She might be in love.

"Whoa, you hate wood too?" Ster asked hopefully. "Yeah, you crush that wood! Wood's the worst!"

"Huh? No, I'm practicing for my upcoming karate bullshit tournament." Murco said turning to the foreign invader.

"Oh." Ster said simply.

Well, scratch that whole love thing.

"You see Ster, karate bullshit is all about honor and discipline." Murco said to which Ster nodded in understanding. "Which is why I'm going to kick Jerma874's butt!"

"Jerma874?" Ster asked herself as she tapped her chin in thought. "Isn't that the nicest guy on the internet?"

"He's just this creep in my dojo who's only…" Murco's rant fell on deaf ears as Ster looked around Murco's room. He's really done a good job of fixing up the place after she sent all his belongings into a black whole last week. "…of this! HIYAH-auhaughgughahghguaaaaa!

Ster snapped back to reality at the sound of Murco's screams of anguish. "Oh my corn, are you okay!?"

"Look at my arm!" Murco screamed like a baby as he shook his disabled arm rapidly in front of Ster's face.

"Stop shaking your gross little broken arm in my face!" Ster shouted smacking his twisted and mangled hand out of the way sending a wave of pain through Murco's body.

"Oowowiriwhiuwuywhahahughgh!" Murco said as he passed out from the pain.

When Murco awoke he was lying on Ster's bed and his arm was completely fine. Wow, magic sure does come in handy! No pun intended.

"Wow, magic sure does come in handy!" Murco said repeating me for no reason as he inspected his hand. "No pun intended."

"Pigtails, ponytail. Pigtails, ponytail." Ster said to herself as she zapped her hair with her magic wand and changed its style from pigtails to a ponytail. "Huh? Oh, yeah it sure is great. Pigtails, ponytail."

"So why is it that you're so inept at basic magic spells but when it comes to murder and healing you're a pro?" Murco asked as Ster finally made a decision and went with pigtails.

"Oh, that's because life and death are a core part of Municipality's national identity, we love us some war! So, from a young age every future monarch of Municipality is taught the ways of fighting and healing. You know, to help out in battle and stuff." Ster crossed her arms confidently as she bestowed a boatload of expositional knowledge upon Murco's cranium.

"Oh, so you're not actually a murderous psychopath, it's just a result of your immoral upbringing!" Murco said to which Ster laughed.

"No, no, no! I love killing people and monsters! My upbringing just expedited the process through which I could unleash my fury." Ster let out one last chuckle. "Not a psychopath. Hah! That's a good one."

"So… what now?" Murco asked admiring Ster's amazing hairdo.

"Now… according to the script… I pull out the magic instruction book so that its existence isn't out of the blue a few episodes from now." Ster said diving between Murco's legs and sticking her head underneath the bed.

"You have a magic instruction book!?" Murco shouted in bewilderment.

"Yep, it's only used when the plot demands it, though. So, don't expect much to come of it." Ster said as she pulled the book out and flipped through the pages. "He's somewhere in here…"

"Why don't you spend more time, I dunno, practicing magic!?" Murco asked standing up and sitting down next to Ster in front of the gigantic book.

"There! Did you see him?!" Ster asked looking over expectantly at Murco.

"See who? I wasn't looking." Murco said with a shrug.

"Ugh, you're just like everyone else." Ster said rolling her eyes as she closed the book. "No matter, I can put it away now."

"Why did you even-" Murco's annoying question was cut short as Ster place a finger over his lips.

"Shh, shh, shh. Sweetie no. Don't question it. Just let it happen." Ster said with a smile as she kicked the book back underneath her bed.

"Okaaaay…" Murco said awkwardly scooting away a few feet. "Now what?"

"I dunno." Ster said with a shrug as the scene ended.

 _ **Alright I think it's a little pointless to include a fight scene between a teenage boy and a kid who is half his age and size. Marco would straight gank Jeremy's bitch ass in a real fight, even with Jeremy's gold knuckles. Actually… writing this spurred me to do a quick excerpt from the fight…**_

Murco stepped into the ring across from Jerma874, this was it. The first and final battle, Murco would kick his ass all the way to his momma in the bleachers. The round began and Murco went straight for the winning move, a swift kick to the gonads which rendered Jerma disabled. Murco couldn't have known at the time, but his strong kick to the nuts would render Jerma sterile.

 _ **There you go, Jeremy got his ass (or rather his dick) kicked and humiliated and maimed in front of his loving parents. A fate far worse than he deserves since he never actually does anything that bad in the show but whatevs.**_

 _ **Revials:**_

 _ **claudiozero777 – I like that name as well, but I think I'll stick with Jackin' It In Thomasa. And don't worry, Ster will have a cheerleader outfit eventually.**_

 _ **Guest – Thanks for the kind words my dude/dudette. I'm glad I could entertain you.**_


	9. The Other Insane Student Pt I

_**Been a while, partly because my internet died for a few days… but I had already been putting this off for a few days beforehand so that excuse doesn't really work. Anyway, poor excuse for laziness aside I'm gonna try and step my game up for the**_ _ **entire remainder of this series**_ _ **. I hope you're ready for some grade A, bonafide, 110% effort shitposting.**_

Ster let out a yawn as she padded her way down the stairs to the Deez family living room in her sexy and enticing lingerie. Said lingerie consisted of a modest blue nightgown and a matching pair of blue socks with dark blue stripes. Which is stupid, everyone knows cutesy mismatched socks are the way to go.

"Surprise!"

Ster jumped a little in shock as her eyes opened fully and she saw Mr. Deez, Mrs. Deez, and Murco standing in the living room. Mr. and Mrs. Deez seemed a lot more into it than their son who had a bored expression as he half-heartedly continued speaking their message.

"Happy 47th day on Erf, Ster!"

"Ah! A party? For me?" Ster exclaimed happily as she quickly ran over to her surrogate family with a huge smile. "I can't believe it!"

"Yeah, me neither." Murco said with a yawn as Ster giddily hopped from one foot to the other and clapped her hands. "When they woke me up at 4 in the morning to set this up I was more than a little annoyed."

"Here, Ster, I made you a pie!" Mr. Deez said as he proudly presented his pie with icing in the image of Ster holding a sword up to the heavens in a suit of battle armor with her opposite hand holding her helmet at her side.

"It's beautiful…" Ster said wiping a tear from her eye as Mrs. Deez gingerly approached with a handful of papers stapled together.

"And I wrote you a fanfiction…" Mrs. Deez said before clearing her throat and beginning. "Her soft hand grazed the tan skin of her best friend and lover, his heart leapt as-"

Suddenly a doorbell rang interrupting Mrs. Deez' amazing and well-written 32,000-word love story about an alien princess who falls in love with a simple Earth boy. It was based on no one and all similarities with people living or dead are purely coincidental.

"Ugh, thank God." Murco said in relief as he quickly walked over to the door and opened it to reveal a familiar, to him at least, face.

"Hello! It is I, Gustav XIV Adolf, or Gustavus Adolphus the Fourteenth! I know I said it twice, but I had to put it in numerals for the writing to be a pompous dickweed!" Gustavus said with a laugh as he walked into the house without permission. "Ahaha, Murco! My American friend!"

Murco and Gustavus did a little gay boy dance with each other, smacking hands, doing chest bumps, flapping their arms like chickens, the works. After nearly 20 seconds of straight secret-handshaking they finally stopped and shook hands normally.

"Look who's here!" Murco shouted rapidly pointing at Gustavus who was smiling brightly at Ster as both Mr. and Mrs. Deez ran over to greet him.

"Um… hi?" Ster said looking at Gustavus nervously as Mr. and Mrs. Deez gushed over him endlessly.

"Oh, hello!" Gustavus said giving a sickeningly sweet smile to Ster. "I am Gustavus XIV Adolf, but you can call me Gustavus. I was the Deez' exchange student last year."

"What?" Ster said in shock as her heart began cracking. "B-but I thought _I_ was your one and only foreign exchange student!"

"Not even close!" Murco said walking over and slightly turning Ster to look at the wall beside them. "I mean, who did you think all these kids were?"

"I thought you guys just had a very extended family…" Ster said quietly, looking over all the pictures intensely before stopping on a particular one at the top showing a blonde girl giving Murco a good ol' smoochy-smooch. "Who's that girl?"

"Oh, her? That's just Ines." Murco said waving off Ster's jealous concern. "She's from France and over there it's customary to give a kiss to your boarding family's teenage son when studying abroad."

"That's… a nice custom." Ster said through slightly gritted teeth as Murco turned back towards Gustavus.

"I brought gifts from Scandinavia!" Gustavus announced cheerfully as he slung his large travelling pack off his shoulder and opened it. "For Mrs. D, a pair of clogs!"

"Ooh!" Mrs. Deez exclaimed as she took her wooden shoes from the Scandinavian boy.

"For Murco, the handheld game Bundhosen Tycoon!" Gustavus said handing over a game for a… what is that, a DS…? To Murco.

"Sweeeeet! This is the Digital Deluxe Pre-Order Exclusive copy with Lederhosen included!" Murco said happily as his eyes scanned the small box handed to him.

"And for Mr. Deez, a genuine _Viking helmet_!" Gustavus said in a high-pitched voice as he handed over what was obviously not a genuine Viking helmet because it had horns on it.

"And for you…" Gustavus said turning to Ster as Mr. Deez donned his helmet and smashed the horns into the wall for some fucking reason. I don't know why, but it was mildly amusing I guess. "Nothing! I did not know you existed!"

"Oh…" Ster said sadly, slumping her shoulders as Gustavus laughed in her face and her heart finished cracking and shattered.

"Oh, Mrs. D, you're getting so thin!" Gustavus said pulling away from Ster and grabbing Mrs. Deez' hand. "I need to fatten you up!"

"Oh, stop it!" Mrs. Deez said with bashful giggles while Mr. Deez laughed heartily as Gustavus slid right into those DMs.

"On to the kitchen everyone, so I can cook you. Some of my meatballs!" Gustavus said leading his family to the kitchen so he could work on his punctuation while preparing some fine balls of meat.

Ster ignored her shattered heart for the moment as she quickly ran upstairs to get changed out of her sleepwear. She entered the kitchen as Gustavus was stirring a bowl of mysterious brown meat and relaying a tale of brave heroism.

"The battle was over, but the danger had just begun!" Gustavus said having a Scandinavian Civil War flashback as he spoke. "The S.S. Kjellberg was sinking and headless of my own peril I disrobed! I dove into the freezing fjord and carried Vicekorpral Björn back to the shore!"

"Hooh!" Mr. Deez said getting chills.

"Ooh." Mrs. Deez said wiping a tear from her eye at the touching tale of brotherhood in combat.

"Whoa." Murco said in awe, he had no idea his friend was such a badass.

"Meh." Ster said as she walked over to the stool next to Murco and sat down. "You only saved 1 guy, and your little vision showed you wearing pants. I've saved 4 guys from a shipwreck in freezing cold waters _without_ pants."

"Murco, think fast!" Gustavus shouted, suddenly flinging a scoop of uncooked meat at the surprised Latino. Surprised, but not slow, as he was easily able to catch the flying food with his mouth with ease. Ster watched Murco chew his uncooked, unidentified meat for a moment before standing up with a wide smile.

"So, Gustav, where are you from?" Ster asked walking around to the side of the counter everyone was seated at and leaning on her elbows while giving a cute smile to the unconcerned Swede/Dane/Nord.

"How much do you know about Europe?" Gustavus asked looking at Ster suspiciously. "And don't call me Gustav."

"I know that it's a place!" Ster said confidently as she swung her arm. "I'm pretty sure!"

"Oh! Well then, I come from the country of Scandinavia!" Gustavus said clapping his hands together before throwing his arms in the air. "It is a land where Vikings teach gym class, and everyone has a pet penguin! Even if you don't like penguins, oop too bad, here's your penguin!"

"Hey, Gustav, I'm open! Meatball me!" Murco shouted hopping out of his seat and springing Gustavus into action.

"Ooh, now me Gustavus!" Mr. Deez said after Murco was flung a delicious scoopful of mysterious meat.

Ster watched with disgust as Gustavus flung scoopful after scoopful of uncooked brown meat at whom she had come to consider her second family. Ster muttered something about the meatballs not being cooked as a warning but was too occupied staring at Gustavus with wide eyes to raise her voice. Gustavus gleefully pranced around the kitchen chucking spoonful after spoonful of meat all over the walls and floors and sometimes in the mouths of the Deez'.

"Just think, three more weeks of this!" Murco shouted as tears of joy flowed down his face and Ster continued to stare blankly at Gustavus.

Gustavus turned his head to Ster as he continued obliging the Deez' with requests for his glorious meat. He gave her a knowing, creepy smile and winked before quickly returning to his normal self.

"Tomorrow I'm going to make even _more_ meatballs!" Gustavus announced to cheers from his adoring audience.

Ster watched in silence as Gustavus finished scraping the last scraps of meat from his bowl before hopping off the table he had jumped on during his prancing. Gustavus laughed along with the Deez' as he tossed the bowl over his shoulder in the general direction of the kitchen sink as they exited the kitchen. Ster silently picked the bowl off the floor and placed it into the sink before walking to the kitchen doorway and watching with dead eyes as the Deez' and Gustavus reminisced on the good times last year.

"And then there was the time…" Murco said through his laughter as the trio sat down on the couch. "When you threw the meat, pfft, across the living room!"

"Ah yes! I remember that one!" Gustavus said with a laugh as he turned to face Ster's motionless figure in the doorway. "It was so much fun."

Gustavus continued conversing, laughing, and joking with the Deez' like nothing was wrong but he kept his eyes locked with Ster's. He seemed to be taunting her with his stare, egging her to try something but knowing she couldn't do so because of the Deez' feelings towards him. Ster simply kept staring at him as she finally had enough of the scene in front of her and walked towards the stairs, up them, and into her room locking the door behind herself.

 _ **If you didn't know, the picture of a girl kissing Marco is really one of the pictures on the wall, there's also a Llama and a Robot. Anyway, I'm going to try and make this episode a bit more on the serious side because honestly, Charlie Booth is a fucking creep.**_

 _ **As always feel free to flame, berate, insult, and mock me in the reviews.**_


	10. The Other Insane Student Pt II

_**I am alive. This story is still alive.**_

"Hey, Ster." Murco said waving his hand in front of his catatonic friend's face. "Ster. Hello? Erf to Ster?"

"Eh?" Ster asked quietly, barely looking away from the television screen she was currently staring at.

"What is up with you lately? For the past 4 days, all you've done is sit around silently whenever Gustav is home." Murco said letting out a sigh before continuing. "Anyway the fam and I are going to meet Gustavus at Isolation Point for lunch."

"Isolation Point?" Ster asked disinterestedly once she heard Gustavus' name.

"Yep, Isolation Point. Where no one can hear you scream." Murco said pausing for comedic effect. "With enjoyment!"

"Why did Gustavus go ahead of you guys?" Ster asked as the television screen changed from commercials back to the news.

"He said something about having to pick up his secret ingredient and left hours ahead of us." Murco said with a shrug. "Anyway, we're leaving soon so if you want to come now's your chance."

Ster gave a barely noticeable nod as Murco walked away and she returned her full attention to the television screen. The reporter was talking about some boring story about dozens of missing people, nothing too interesting. Soon enough the story changed to something else, apparently there's some kind of magic blonde girl responsible for numerous fatalities at large.

"Hm, wonder who that could be. I thought I was the only magic girl on Erf." Ster mumbled to herself before something finally clicked in her mind. "Wait a minute, Gustavus is a creep… and he needed to gather ingredients away from the Deez'... AND THERE'S DOZENS OF PEOPLE GOING MISSING AROUND TOWN! OH NO!"

Ster sprinted outside only to find the Deez' already strapped into the car and pulling out of the driveway. Despite Ster's frantic screaming and waving of her arms the Deez family completely ignored her and drove away faster than what was probably the legal speed limit. After fruitlessly chasing the car for several seconds she finally got fed up and jumped onto the hood of a car that was driving towards her.

"GET OUT OF THE FUCKING CAR!" Ster screamed maniacally as the terrified man inside slammed on his breaks. "OUT! RIGHT NOW!"

"Okay, okay!" The man shouted quickly unbuckling his seat belt and throwing the door open. "Wait a second, I recognize you from the news! You're that alien girl!"

"No witnesses!" Ster shouted blasting the man with a deathly rainbow beam from her trusty magic wand. Ster threw herself into the metal death trap and slammed her foot on one of the pedals. Murco had explained to her once how these so called 'cars' work, but it was all a bunch of sciency mumbo-jumbo to her and she only remembered something about pedals. "I'M COMING MURCO!"

Wildly spinning the mystical control wheel of the metal monster Ster spun the car around and began zooming down the street. She spotted the Deez' car slowly meandering down the road and couldn't figure out how to stop the rolly wheels of the metal doodlybob. Bracing herself for impact she cast a protective barrier around her body as the car slammed into the rear end of the Deez' family car.

"Waaaah!" Ster screamed in terror as she was ejected from the vehicle and launched through the front windshield, back windshield, and then front windshield of both her and the Deez' cars respectively.

"Whoa! What the heck was that!?" Murco shouted as Mr. Deez slammed his foot onto the breaks so hard he snapped his ankle.

"I think something hit us!" Mrs. Deez shouted looking behind her seat.

Ster stumbled to her feet a good 30 yards (27.432 meters) from the wreck and saw the Deez' getting out of their monster machine and quickly hid behind a mailbox. She overheard them talking about the accident and cringed at the words they spoke.

"Isn't that Mr. Jones' car from down the block?"

"Yeah, I wonder where he went. Weird how the car just hit us and no one's inside of it."

"Maybe one of his five children was with them and they got out and he had to chase them?"

"No, I'm sure his loving wife would have stayed if that were the case."

Tiptoeing away from the scene of the crime before any more unwanted guilt could enter her mind Ster blocked out their words. Once she was out of earshot she began sprinting in the direction the car was headed, isolation point shouldn't be too hard to find, right? Luckily for her it wasn't, being situated on a mountain and all, but it was strange as she had never noticed the ominous mountain before today.

"Must be plot convenience." Ster said to herself with a shrug as she kicked the sign pointing towards isolation point so that the arrow pointed to the opposite path. "Best to be safe, don't want them seeing what I do to our good friend Gustav."

Using her super amazing magical powers to transform her wand into a historical Municipality battle sword she embarked on her epic quest. It wasn't very hard to locate Gustavus, he left a bloody trail of blood leading to his bloody hands and the bloody axe his hands were clenched around. He was covered in blood and blood dripped down the blade and handle of the axe, blood was everywhere.

"Gustavus Adolphus the Fourteenth!" Ster shouted grabbing his attention and startling him. "Your time in this universe is at an end!"

"Oh? Is that a fact?" Gustav asked in a perfect American accent. "And who exactly is going to end my stint in this wonderful universe?"

"I am! Ster Butforfly the First, princess of Municipality and leader of the Municipality Intergalactic Invasion Force!" Ster shouted, her voice booming throughout the entire forest as grey storm clouds rolled in.

"Princess? Intergalactic Invasion Force?" Gustav asked with a hearty laugh as he swung his axe and rested it on his shoulder. "At least try and come up with something original!"

"Oh, you think this is a joke?" Ster asked laughing as she started levitating off the ground. "The real joke is you, Gustav."

"You don't scare me, little girl." Gustav said tightening his grip on the axe handle and preparing himself for a fight.

"I don't want to scare you." Ster said raising her sword into the battle stance her father had taught her. "I just want to kill you."

Ster propelled herself forwards at breakneck speeds and swung her sword at the false-nordic man who effortlessly dodged her attack. Rolling to his feet he dodged her second swing before swinging his axe in a counterattack that Ster barely managed to block. Kicking him backwards she separated their blades before immediately swinging down and cutting across his chest.

"Agh, you little bitch! I'm going to turn you into ground beef!"

Easily dodging the four swings Gustav retaliated with Ster raised her sword high using her magical prowess to give the swing a little more oomph. The sword sliced clean through the wooden handle of Gustav's axe making his weapon useless.

"That was solid oak!"

"You better hope you aren't made of the same weak material." Ster responded striking forwards violently with Gustav barely managing to dodge her assault.

"You may be stronger, but I know these woods better than mother nature!" Gustav shouted as he bolted into the thick brush surrounding the clearing their battle was taking place in.

"GUSTAV!" Ster yelled as she fired herself after him with the speed of a bullet. "FACE YOUR DEATH WITH SOME COURAGE, YOU COWARD!"

"Come and find me, princess!" Gustav called out mockingly as Ster searched through the thicket he had ran into. Ster sliced through branches as she searched for the cannibalistic murderer posing as a highschool student. "You know, it occurs to me that you never actually tried my meatballs."

Ster cut down a tree in the direction the voice had come from. "Meatballs are for cowards! A real warrior eats their meat whole!"

"It's a shame, if you had just tried one you'd realise how good they were."

"I'll never eat the flesh of my people!" Ster cut down another tree between her and the voice.

"Murco just loves my balls." Gustav laughed. "He likes my food too!"

"You bastard!" Ster shouted slicing through the final tree between her and two barrels of a shotgun. Gustav immediately pulled both triggers firing both shells into the warrior princess sending her backwards several feet and crashing her face-first into the dirt. Gustav chuckled to himself as he tossed aside the spent shells and loaded in new pair. "Alien princess? Bah! You'll die just like any Erf girl."

"Y-You…" Ster sputtered out as Gustav stood above her.

"Goodbye, Ster." Gustav said shouldering his shotgun and aiming down at her. "I'll be sure to let Murco have the first taste of your batch."

"You… should have gone…" Ster struggled to speak. "For the head."

"Huh?"

Ster rolled onto her back and stabbed her sword into Gustav's chest causing his arms to lurch to the side as the shotgun was fired. Unable to handle the recoil with only one hand the firearm was knocked from his hand and fell to the dirt as Gustav struggled to stay standing. Falling to his knees and impaling himself further on her sword Gustav looked at Ster in fear and astonishment.

"H-How…?" Gustav asked coughing painfully.

Ster got to her feet revealing the glowing wound in her torso to her dying foe. "I'm stronger than you could ever have imagined, Gustav." Ster thrust the sword further through his chest causing him to cry out in pain. "Your fate was sealed the moment you stepped foot into my house."

Gustav gasped as Ster quickly withdrew her sword and booted him backwards. Returning her wand to its normal shape she cast one final look at the pathetic man lying in front of her. She scoffed and uttered a mocking "Goodbye, Gustav." as she turned on her heel and strutted away.

 _ **Well, hot damn. I actually managed to write another chapter after nearly an entire year since the last. There is no reasonable excuse for not updating for so long, especially after promising to up my game in the last chapter. Regardless, I bow my head humbly and ask for forgiveness from the… like four people who will be returning readers.**_

 _ **To all the new readers who just saw this today, welcome to the ultimate Star VS shitpost. I tried to make this chapter serious, at least more than the previous chapters, and I hope I did a good job. With Star VS officially coming to an end I got a burst of inspiration to continue my story, now that there's an actual end game to work towards.**_

 _ **As always feel free to flame, berate, insult and mock me in the reviews.**_


	11. Off the Record I

Ster took a deep breath as she pressed her wand against her remaining buckshot wounds and fired up the strongest healing spell she knew. After a few seconds of searing pain it was done and she was completely healed up, barring the mental trauma she had from facing death even if it was for only a few seconds. Reentering the clearing where she first confronted the late Mr. Adolphus she cringed at just how grotesque the scene was.

Blood and what she could only assume was… you know what, she wasn't even going to think about it. Casting a cleaning spell she wiped the forest clean of blood and any offal that might have been lying around. Just as she finished cleaning up the crime scene she heard the sound of a car slowly rolling down the dirt path and turned to see the Deez' pulling up.

"Murco!" Ster shouted throwing herself into the confused boy's arms when he got out of the car.

"Uh… hey, Ster." Murco said patting her back. "How did you get here before-."

"You have no idea how scared I was when you guys drove off without me!" Ster wailed as Murco and his folks shared confused glances.

"It's not that big of a deal, it's not like we were leaving you forever." Murco said with a laugh. "I wouldn't have informed you if that was the case."

"Um, Ster, where is Gustavus?" Mr. Deez asked looking around the empty clearing.

Ster's eyes went wide for a second before returning to normal as she smiled devilishly. "He told me to give you all a message."

"Well don't leave us hanging, what's up?" Murco asked as Ster finally separated from him.

Ster wiped a fake tear from her eye as she tapped a small button on her wand to start playing some sad music. "He told me to tell you that you were the absolute worst host family he has ever lived with." Everyone gasped. "Which is an amazing feat because you're the only host family he's lived with." The Deez' looked down at the ground sadly. "He also told me to tell you that he was leaving and would never return. Ever. Like, for the rest of his life. You'll never see him again. Trust me."

"What a jerk!" Murco said punching a tree angrily. "How could he say something like that, after everything!"

"But!" Ster said shifting the music coming from her wand to a more upbeat tone. "I have a message from a certain Ster that I think you'll like to hear!"

"What does this Ster person have to say?" Mr. Deez asked cracking his knuckles so he was ready to smack a bitch.

"I think you are all wonderful people, and the best host family I've ever had." Ster said giving them the most genuine smile she's gave since arriving on Erf. "And I love you guys."

"Hugs!" The quartet shouted in unison as they slammed into each other for a group hug.

"Uh, Ster, why is the bottom half of the front of the shirt of your dress torn off?" Murco asked pointing at her torso where her wounds used to be.

"It was a bear?" Ster asked with a nervous laugh that earned a hearty laugh in response from Mrs. Deez.

"Oh, those tricky bears!" Mrs. Deez said as the group broke their hug.

"Well, since that jerk Gustav is dead hows about we go get some real food?" Ster asked cheerfully.

"Wait, Gustav is dead?"

"To us! He's dead to us!" Ster quickly added before quietly muttered to herself. "...and the rest of the world."

The strange, mismatched family laughed together as they marched back to the car with all of them ragging on that little shit Gustav the entire way to the nearest restaurant. Ster told a hilarious joke about how stupid Gustav's little beanie was which earned uproarious laughter from everyone. Laughing as they walked into the restaurant they got a table for four and the laughter finally started to die down.

"Huh!?" Ster gasped looking around the restaurant at all the staff dressed liked pirates. "Pirates!? Don't worry fam, I got this!"

"No, Ster, wait!" Murco shouted grabbing her wrist before she could fully unholster her magic death stick. "It's just a pirate themed restaurant, not actual pirates."

"Oh." Ster said with a nervous laugh. "Good thing you stopped me, I was about to-."

"Arr! Put your wallets where I can see 'em!" A pirate waitress said pointing a plastic sword at the table.

"DIE PIRATE SCUM!" Ster screamed unsheathing her wand-sword and slicing both the sword and waitress in half. Hopping onto the table she transformed the wand into a strange weapon she had seen in a videogame. Murco said it was something called a "Sasha" but Ster didn't much care for the name what mattered to her was that it could clear cut an entire forest in a couple of seconds.

"Ster, no!" Murco shouted, but it was too late. His voice was drowned out by the 200 dollar custom tool cartridges that Ster was firing at 12,000 rounds per minute. It cost her 400,000 dollars to fire her weapon. For. Twelve. Seconds.

Laughing maniacally as the barrels of her wand spun down and the building crumbled around them Ster retooled her wand back into a wand. "That's right! Run! RUN! AHAHAHA!" Murco and his parents shared looks of abject horror and awe as Ster hopped off the table and began chasing down the fleeing pirate staff.

"Stay here, I'll go handle princess cuckoo pants." Murco said with a sigh as he climbed out of the booth and walked up to Ster as she fired narwhals at speeds approaching the sound barrier.

"Die, you pirate scum! Die! DIE! AHAHA-"

"Ster." Murco said interrupting her evil laughter. "Can I talk to you for a second?"

"What's up?" Ster asked happily.

"You can't just go around destroying property and killing innocent people."

"Innocent? But these people were pirates they deserved to-!"

"No! Ster, they were just workers at a restaurant! Like I told you before." Murco said kicking over one of the dead waiters lying on the floor to reveal his nametag. "See, this guy was named Greg. What kind of pirate wears a nametag?"

"Oh no. I'm feeling that weird feeling again, Murco." Ster said putting a hand to her heart as she looked around at the death and destruction she caused.

"That's called guilt, Ster." Murco said putting a hand on her shoulder comfortingly. "Come on, let's go home before the cops get here."

Ster turned to see Mr. and Mrs. Deez giving her warm smiles and managed to smile back. She may be a crazy, murderous alien princess from another dimension, but she was their crazy, murderous alien princess from another dimension. And that knowledge made her happy. As the fam began returning to the car Ster looked over her shoulder and counted the bodies. She pulled out her little killcount book and looked back at Greg.

"Ster? I can hear sirens in the distance, we need to go." Murco said holding open the car door for her.

"Coming!" Ster called back tossing her book into a small fire burning on the ground nearby.

 _ **What's this? Character development in**_ _ **my**_ _**shitpost!? UNACCEPTABL- Actually, yeah, this was planned from the beginning. Don't get the wrong idea though, she'll still kill some bitches without a second thought. She'll understand the severity of her actions from now on, though.**_

 _ **Also this was just a quick chapter I pounded out to round off The Other Insane Student and introduce the story to a new type of chapter. Off the Record will be random adventures not in the episodes of the show, save for this one which is a retooled Banagic Incident, for some more hardcore shitposting potential.**_

 _ **Reviews:**_

 _ **vK 3 1 RON: Thanks for the review and I'm glad people still enjoy this little turd-child of mine. I once promised to update more and that ended with a 10 month hiatus so I'll just say I'll try to keep updating.**_

 _ **As always feel free to flame, berate, insult and mock me in the reviews.**_


	12. Gear Up, Ster

"Hey, Ster." Murco said walking into the living room where Ster was lying on the floor watching the television upside-down with her legs propped up on the couch. "...What are you doing?"

"Watching the news." Ster said pointing to the screen as the reporter droned on about a body that was found near Isolation Point.

"The body was identified as Charlie Booth, a 27 year old man who-" Ster chucked the remote through the screen when a picture of Gustav appeared.

"I, um, don't like depressing news." Ster said with a nervous laugh. She put on her best girl next door smile as she turned her full attention to the cute boy in front of her. "So what's up?"

"I just thought you'd like to know that Lewd Ho and his monster army have surrounded the house and are preparing to storm us like we dropped the soap in a prison shower." Murco said pointing to the window where several glowing red eyes were peering in at them.

"WHAT!?" Ster screamed doing an epic backwards summersault to her feet before adopting a battle stance.

"Yeah, just thought I should let you know. You know, before they break down the door and start slaughtering the women and children. Meaning us."

"Are you serious, Murco!?" Ster shouted shaking the boy violently and knocking at least three of his braincells out of place. "We gotta prepare!"

"You mean… Gear up, Ster?" Murco asked turning to the camera with a wide grin as he spoke the name of the chapter.

"Fuck off." Ster said grabbing his hand and yanking him up the stairs as the front door to the house was torn off its hinges. "My Dad has a sword hidden in every room of the castle in case of surprise invasions, do your parents follow the same protocol?"

"I think my Mom hides a 12-gauge under the bed." Murco said with a shrug.

"Good, go get it!" Ster said punting him straight through the door to his parents' bedroom. "I'm going to go put my battle armor on!" Ster shouted running to her room before returning and poking her head through the teenage boy-shaped hole in the door. "Peeking is encouraged!"

"Oh boy!" Murco shouted excitedly as he dove under his parents' bed and pulled out several mentally-scarring sexual toys before finally locating his mother's prized boomstick. "Come to papa!"

He threw himself through the hole in the door and slammed into the hallway wall. Pulling himself to his feet he blew a large hole in a charging plant monster before storming into Ster's bedroom and slamming the door shut. Unfortunately for the eager Latino Ster had already changed into her armor and the only skin he saw was half an ankle as she pulled on her left boot.

"Murco, Hold the line!" Ster commanded hopping from her bed and charging up her wand to test out a new spell she came up with after watching some cartoon on the TV. "Super Power Ninja Turbo Neo Ultra Hyper Mega Multi Alpha Meta Extra Uber Prefix!" Murco pulled the door open as Ster finished off her spell. "Narwhal blast!"

A flurry of a hundred wet and angry horned fish beasts charged the horde of monsters flooding into the room. The first wave of monsters was vanquished but the second wave led by a familiar frog that was buff fought off any straggler narwhals. Firing off deadly rainbow lasers Ster retreated to the second floor of her room with Murco in tow.

"Mega Boomstick Blast!" Murco shouted firing his mother's prized Remington 870 Express down at the encroaching monsters.

"Cute, but leave the attack names to me, okay sweetie?" Ster said hopping onto the railing and charging up another spell as she spun her wand in her hand before holstering it. "It's 12 o'clock."

"No, actually it's like 7 in the-" Murco was interrupted as Ster suddenly drew her wand and fired off half a dozen pinpoint accurate rainbow beams into the heads of various unnamed and unloved monsters. "Oh, I get it. You were pretending to be-"

"Come on!" Ster shouted grabbing his hand and pulling him to the third floor of her bedroom tower. "This is our last stand, Murco!"

"I only have a few more shots left!" Murco shouted back blasting a pair of monsters with his mommy's boom-boom device. "Back, stay back! You… You hairy, smelly, slimy, smooth, dry, large, small, stinky, pleasant-smelling, unruly monsters!"

"Best leave the name-calling to me too, babe." Ster said patting him on the shoulder as she transformed her wand into a World War 2 era German rocket launcher. "Strawberry Panzerfaust!"

"Ster, you're gonna bring down the whole tower!" Murco shouted as Ster fired a twisting and twirling magic rocket that curled its way right to the floor of her room. The explosion broke the tower from the house and teenagers and monsters alike began shouting as the tower began to fall. "Steeeer!"

"Come on, lover boy, you want to live forever?" Ster shouted grabbing Murco's hand as she dove off the balcony and into the backyard. She pulled out her dimensional scissors and cut a hole into a random dimension just before they hit the ground and died a horrific, painful death. "Woohoo!"

The duo were tossed onto a soft quilt-like floor avoiding any potential injuries as Murco cheered. "Holy guacamole, batman! I thought we were dead!"

"Come on, have a little faith in your girl." Ster said pulling Murco into a victory hug.

"Uh, Ster?" Murco asked in a strained voice as he was crushed into Ster's armor. "Ster, you're holding just a little too tight. Ster. Ster!"

"Oops, hehe, sorry." Ster said quickly releasing the boy before all his organs popped out of his eye sockets or something to that effect. She didn't fully understand how Human biology worked.

"Well, I think we can chalk that fight up as another job well done." Murco said patting himself on the back in the most literal sense. "Cue the outro music and-"

"There she is!" Lewd Ho shouted as his monster army stormed through a portal that suddenly appeared behind them.

"Ugh, can I just call a time-out?" Ster asked clambering to her feet and grinding the monster assault to a halt. "Time-out? Good, thank you."

"What's the problem?" Lewd Ho asked impatiently bouncing up and down.

"Can we just stop for today? Please?" Ster asked the confused monsters in front of her. "This armor is too tight, my clothes underneath are constantly chafing my skin, and that explosion gave me a killer headache."

"Well, um, I suppose." Lewd Ho said awkwardly. "We did lose quite a few more monsters than usual when the tower collapsed."

"So, um, truce? Until next time?" Ster asked as Murco looked between her and Lewd Ho incredulously.

"...Fine. Until next time." Lewd Ho said after a few seconds of internal debate. "But don't think I'll go easy on you ever again!" Lewd Ho opened another portal and funneled his monster army through it, each monster giving an awkward wave goodbye as they entered. "Just remember Ster Butforfly... I'm always watching."

"Go through the portal you creepy little turd." Murco said kicking Lewd Ho in the back of his head, and since he was just a head it was just in his back, and through the portal. "So, um, Ster are you feeling alright?"

"Honestly Murco I just want to tear this stupid armor off and go to bed." Ster said with a sigh as she flopped down onto the ground. "Ow."

"Well, I think I can help you out with getting that armor off." Murco said with a wink.

"Surprise! I lied!" Lewd Ho shouted as the monster army came barreling through another portal they opened 10 feet away from the first.

"You bastard, you broke the rules of engagement!" Ster shouted angrily as she hopped to her feet.

"Well duh, I'm evil!" Lewd Ho said evilly with an evil laugh that sounded very evil.

"EVIL!" The monster army shouted in unison as they charged our noble heroes.

"Mustard Gas cloud!" Ster shouted spraying a deadly cloud of mustard gas from her wand as she and Murco ran away.

"Holy crap, Ster, that stuff is actually a war crime!" Murco shouted, his voice muffled by the hand that was covering it to protect himself from the deadly gas.

"They broke the rules first, Murco!" Ster responded grabbing his free hand as she cut open another portal and pulled him through. The portal she opened led them to a dimension that could only be described as one of pure suffering. "Oh my corn!"

"I-It-It-It-It's… It's horrible!" Murco cried when his eyes landed on the disgusting world before him.

A cute anime girl giggled and ran up to them before speaking. "Konichiwa! My name is-"

"Die demon!" Murco screamed as he blew the schoolgirl's head clean off her shoulders with his maternal figure's shotty. "Quick, get us out of here before another one attacks!"

"Way ahead of you!" Ster said pulling him through the portal she had already cut open while Murco murdered the innocent anime girl. They stepped through and found themselves in the middle of the trashed backyard of their house. "Remind me to never return to that dimension. Ever."

"Yeah. I'll take the cats with human faces over that nightmare any day of the week." Murco said as he scanned the backyard for any sign of Lewd Ho or his monsters. The sound of a portal tearing open could be heard and the monster-fighting couple spun around and saw Lewd Ho and a handful of surviving monsters running towards them.

"Please... kill me!" Lewd Ho begged as he fell to his… well he doesn't really have knees being a kappa face and all so just imagine he fell face-first into the grass or something. "I've seen things! Things no man or monster or mewman should see!"

"Anime dimension?" Ster asked looking over at the buff frog monster gasping for breath nearby.

"Anime… dimension." Buff frog monster guy said between breaths.

"PLEASE!" Lewd Ho screamed stuffing his face into the muzzle of Murco's shotgun.

"Geez, dude. Calm down." Murco said booting him away from the gun. "Suicide is never the answer."

"It's not suicide if someone else kills you!"

"That's a can of worms for another day." Murco said grabbing the dimensional scissors from Ster's hand and cutting open a random portal. "GTFOH."

"Gitfoh? What does that even- WAHHHHH"

"There, that takes care of that." Murco said clapping his hands to remove any trace of Lewd Ho's skin cells.

"Uh… We'll just be going then." Buff frog monster guy said awkwardly, walking through the portal followed by the dozen or so remaining monsters.

"Ugh, I don't feel like cleaning this mess up." Ster groaned flopping onto the ground with a loud clang from her armor. "Ow."

"Can't you just pull some magic bullshit out of your ass or something like usual?" Murco asked.

"You're right!" Ster said excitedly. "Bippity bop, put that tower back on top!"

"Wow, I didn't think that would actually work." Murco said staring at the reattached bedroom tower.

"Me neither."

 _ **Bippity bun, another chapter done! Different plot from the actual episode, but that's because depressed Star is sad nibba hours and sad nibba hours is bad.**_

 _ **Reviews:**_

 _ **vK 3 1 Ron: Kill count is around 127 as of this chapter. Give or take a few for potentially survivable injuries.**_

 _ **Fake Account dammit: Sadly Fanfiction hasn't added a downvote button yet, but I'm holding out hope.**_

 _ **As always feel free to flame, berate, insult and mock me in the reviews.**_


	13. The Kwest Two Bi Pt I

Murco hummed to himself happily as he tried to comb the rats nest he called his hair. That was a little too harsh, it's actually pretty nice hair. Now Ster's hair on the other hand…

"There. Perfect." Murco said with a smile at his own reflection. Suddenly a warm gust of air ruined all his progress and he turned to see Ster's shit eating grin and a hairdryer hovering near his head. "Hey!"

"Hiya!" Ster replied cheerfully as she continued brushing her glorious mane in fifteen separate spots at once. She loved magic.

"That wasn't a greeting!"

"Well mine was."

"Keep your shit on your side of the counter!" Murco said angrily as he pushed the invading wall of garbage and- wait a second was that his phone?! "Is that my phone!?"

"Oh…" Ster said when Murco picked up his cracked iPhone XSV 71 Plus. "Hehe, sorry?"

"Your cuteness won't get you out of this one, Ster!" Murco said sternly as Ster tried to smile her way out of another fight with Murco. "That phone cost me over two thousand dollars!"

"So what? You just bought it with the money I magic'd up anyway!" Ster said as she proved her point by using magic to create another pile of cold, hard cash.

"You're right, I did do that." Murco said with a nod. "But that's not the point! You broke my phone!"

"I said I was sorry, sheesh, such a baby." Ster said rolling her eyes causing Murco to literally burst into flames from anger. "AHHH!"

"AAAHHH!"

"AAAHHH!"

"AAAHHH!"

"Cute Boy Deflamatory Bath!" Ster shouted spraying a stream of water that sprayed the cute boy in question down with a stream of ice-cold water that streamed from her wand.

"Thank you." Murco said spitting out the dirty swamp water. "But you still owe me a new phone."

"Ugh, fine, you big baby." Ster groaned as she tossed the 15 hairbrushes tearing through the knots in her disgustingly perfect blonde hair in random directions. "Let's go hit up Quest Buy and find you a better phone."

"Quest Buy? That sounds like some kind of garbage magic shop that fat fuck Ferguson would have come up with during a D&D game." Murco said shivering at the thought of the late disgusting tub of lard that formerly called him a friend.

Ster gasped and looked offended. "How dare you sully the name of _Quest Buy_ by comparing it to that greasy… actually I don't think I actually met Ferguson before he died so I don't actually have any actual clue what he was actually like and can't actually insult him properly."

"Just say he sucked."

"Ferguson sucked."

"There you go, properly insulted. He doesn't deserve any more effort than that." Murco said sticking his hand in Ster's dress pocket.

"Can I help you find something?" Ster giggled as his fingers wiggled around her leg.

"Where are your stupid scissor portal things?" Murco said pulling his hand out and stuffing it in her opposite pocket.

"Well they're currently sitting on the counter." Ster nodded to the scissors in question sitting on the counter as her tone turned sultry. "But I'd much rather you keep doing what you're doing in there."

Before Murco could act on her offer the door to the bathroom suddenly slammed open and Mr. Deez strode in. "Murco, Ster I was wondering if you… um…" The horny teens in question stared wide-eyed at their parental figure who stared right back. "I'll... just go find it myself."

Ster and Murco shared a glance as he quickly retracted his hand from her skirt and cleared his throat. "Ahem, so… to Quest Buy?"

 _ **DULULULULU! That was supposed to be the Batman transition sound effect. Imagine Ster and Murco's faces spinning closer to the screen and then retreating.**_

"Welcome to Quest Buy!" Ster said as they stepped through the portal into… is it even a fucking dimension or just a store in a different dimension? This show is really inconsistent when it comes to crap like this. Whatever, it's just a dumb department store in the heart of Municipality in this story.

"Ster, this store is smaller than out bathroom." Murco deadpanned.

"That's because it is the bathroom." Ster said kicking the door to the bathroom open and chucking Murco outside into the store part of the department store. Ster cleared her throat and pulled Murco to his feet before repeating her introduction. "Welcome to Quest Buy!"

"Ster, this place is Hugh Mungus how are we supposed to find me a new phone here?" Murco asked looking around in pure awe.

"Easy, just hop on my boy!" Ster said conjuring up a flying snake/horse/rabbit/monkey/fish hybrid beast and jumping onto its grotesque back.

"Eugh, you know what? I'll just walk." Murco said turning to walk away as Ster used her magic to lasso the latino before he could escape back to Mexico.

"You're riding with me, loverboy." Ster said seductively as she pulled him into her lap and turned the lasso into a whip to slap the ass of the horse/monkey/rabbit/snake/fish hybrid beast before shouting. "ONWARDS AOSHIMA!"

"Ster this doesn't feel safe!" Murco said latching onto her as they began charging through the rafters of the magic store at breakneck speeds.

"Hm?" Ster asked not listening.

"I said this doesn't feel safe!"

"Mmm. Yes you can feel, Murco." Ster moaned wrapping her arms around him and squeezing him closer.

"Ster, I appreciate the sentiment but that's not what I- oooh." Murco's argument died in his throat as he was pressed tightly against the precocious blonde. "Murco likes."

"I bet you do." Ster whispered seductively as she squeezed tighter. Sadly Aoshima the fish/snake/horse/rabbit/monkey hybrid stopped flying and crashed to the floor in the middle of the electronics section. The teens pulled themselves out of the various bodily fluids created by the hideous creature slamming into the floor and dying. "Eugh, what a mood killer."

"Tell me about it." Murco groaned in disgust.

"Well at least we're here." Ster said angrily as she gestured to the maze of shelves full of electronics around them. She slung an arm around her male companion with a sigh. "It'll take us _hours_ to sift through all this to find the phone you want."

"Yes, what a shame that will be." Murco said as they exchanged sly smirks. "Guess we'll be stuck together for a while, you know how shopping can be."

"Oh, yes. Shopping is terrible, but with the help of a _friend_." Ster pulled Murco closer. "It can be a little less terrible."

After a few seconds of standing nearly fused together as aliens and monsters went about their business around them Murco spoke up. "So, like, are we gonna make out or something? Or are we actually here to find me a new phone?"

"We can swap spit later, for now we find you a cellular device!" Ster proclaimed as she charged forward, wand held high.

"What a cocktease." Murco grumbled as he followed behind her. "So, like, are you sure, like, this store has, like, phone and stuff. Like."

"Definitely, this is where I got my compact magic mirror." Ster said pulling out her seashell shaped compact.

"If I carry something like that around at school everyone will think I'm gay." Murco said looking to the shelf on his right. There was some gay movie about an ogre and a talking donkey or some other dumb shit playing on a flat screen TV.

"Heh, I think I could help you dispel that rumor." Ster muttered under her breath.

"What did you say?"

"I said look at this phone I just found." Ster said tossing a small flip-phone over her shoulder to Murco as they paced along.

"Bland." Murco said catching, inspecting for half a second, then chucking the phone over his own shoulder.

"Wow, this is the most amazing thing I've ever seen! I'm going to go buy it immediately!" A random snake/human monster thing said catching the flip-phone.

"How about this?" Ster tossed him a slightly larger flip-phone.

"Thicc, but no dice." Murco said chucking it to the floor behind him.

"Not the only thing around here that's thicc." Ster mumbled as she deliberately bent over in front of him to pick up something from the bottom shelf.

"Oh, Ster, I've been meaning to ask you." Murco said causing Ster to smirk. "Did you do something with your ass?"

"Nope. All natural, baby." Ster said smugly as she slapped her butt and handed him the phone she grabbed.

"This is literally the same phone you just tossed at me but in a different color."

"Fire away then, sport!" Ster said with a shrug.

Slamming that dumb piece of technological marvel into the nearest wall Murco grabbed a different phone from a shelf on his left. "Hmm, what do you think?"

"Lame." Ster said inspecting and them ditching the phone he handed her.

"This?" Murco asked handing her the same phone but in a different color.

"This is literally the same phone you just handed me but in a different color."

"Fire away then, bro." Murco said with a shrug.

Slamming the dumb piece of technological marvel into the nearest wall Ster grabbed a different phone from the shelf on her right. "Hmm, what do you think?"

"Lame." Murco said inspecting and then ditching the phone she tossed to him.

"This?" Ster asked tossing him the same phone but in a different color.

"This is literally the same phone you just tossed at me but in a different color."

"Fire away then, champ." Ster said with a shrug.

"This is stupid, this whole bit is stupid. Can we get a rewrite?" Murco said looking up at the ceiling.

 _ **Fuck you.**_

"I guess that's a no then." Ster said with a shrug as she grabbed the newest iPhone, the iPhone XSV 72 Lite. "Look Murco, it's the new iPhone XSV 72 Lite."

"And in my favorite color! Red!" Murco said taking the phone from her fingers.

"Well that was faster than I thought, let's bounce!" Ster shouted pulling out her dimensional scissors and slicing a hole through reality.

"Ster, we have to pay for this first." Murco said zipping the portal closed.

"Ugh, lame! Can't we just steal it like everything else in life?" Ster asked as Murco led her… somewhere. He didn't really know where the checkout counter was so he was just hoping to eventually find it sometime in the next 10 decades of his life.

"No, Ster, stealing everything leads to nobody trusting you. Nobody trusting you leads to assassins being hired to take you out. Assassins being hired to take you out leads to lots of dead assassins. Lots of dead assassins leads to less assassins for you to use yourself to take out people you dislike. Less assassins for you to use yourself to take out people you dislike leads to you having to do the dirty work yourself. Having to do the dirty work yourself leads to you getting blood on you hands. Getting blood on your hands leads to evidence being left behind at the crime scene. Evidence being left behind at the crime scene leads to you being caught and tried for murder. You getting caught and tried for murder leads to you being found guilty of a lot more murders than the one you just committed. Being found guilty for a buttload of murders leads to you getting the death penalty. Getting the death penalty leads to you dying. You dying leads to me being stuck with Elf Hanzo. Me being stuck with Elf Hanzo will lead to me killing Elf Hanzo. Me killing Elf Hanzo leads to me getting blood on my hands. Me getting blood on my hands leads to me leaving evidence at the crime scene. Me leaving evidence at the crime scene leads to me being charged with murder. Me being charged with murder leads to me getting the death penalty. Me getting the death penalty leads to me dying. Me dying leads to both of us being dead. You see Ster, by not paying for this one cellphone we both die."

"Wow, okay. Well I don't want us to die." Ster said after a few seconds.

"Me neither so let's find a cash register and gtfo."

 _ **What a very eloquent explanation by Murco, if I do say so myself. Also I might be pushing my luck with some of the scenes involving these two in this chapter.**_

 _ **Reviews:**_

 _ **vK 3 1 RON: Imagine a floating Kappa face, but with human skin and hair. Now take that human skin and hair and make it monochrome. That's Lewd Ho, and yes it is kinky.**_

 _ **As always feel free to flame, berate, insult and mock me in the reviews.**_


	14. The Kwest Two Bi Pt II

"Murco do you smell that?" Ster asked yanking the hood of Murco's hoodie and momentarily choking him with his hoodie.

"Smells like broke here." Murco said sniffing the air.

The duo locked eyes and spoke in unison. "Lewd Ho."

"AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!" A shrill, annoying, disgustingly painful laugh echoed throughout the Quest Buy. "AT LAST, I'VE FOUND YOU!"

"Lewd Ho! You'll have to pry my wand from my cold, dead-" Ster whipped around and immediately stopped shouting when she didn't see the kappa face. "Wait, where is he?"

"It sounded like it was coming from the other side of the store." Murco said with a shrug.

"C'mon, Murco!" Ster said gripping his ankle. "We've got monsters to hunt!"

"Ster! Ster! Let me go!" Murco shouted as he was pulled forward and forced to hop along at a pace faster than he could maintain.

"Can it ya big baby!" Ster yelled as Lewd Ho's cackle echoed throughout the store for a second time.

"Do we have to hunt them down?!" Murco shouted stomping his foot to the ground and slowly grinding Ster to a halt.

"Of course we do! Lewd Ho is my mortal enemy and will always try and get my wand! The best course of action is to just take him out!" Ster said straining to pull him forward.

"You say that but we could have killed him like, a dozen times by now." Murco said making her grip on his ankle loosen. "Just last night he was begging on his… well his version of his knees, for me to kill him."

"W-Well, yeah, but-"

"And you could have easily rainbow lasered him to death when I didn't shoot him. Or narwhal blasted him. Or lit him on fire. Or turned him into a rock. Or makes his innards his-"

"I get it, alright!" Ster shouted interrupting his rant. "I just… I don't know, Murco!"

"How about we go buy this phone and go on one of our classic Ster and Murco wacky adventures, hm?" Murco said putting an arm around a distraught Ster. "Go to the arcade, maybe watch a movie or something."

"Really?" Ster asked with a smile.

"Really." Murco said smiling back.

Suddenly and without warning a giant chicken monster slammed into Murco and knocked him into a stack of boxes. Ster turned to see Lewd Ho letting out his classic "NYEHAHAHAHA!" cackle as his monsters readied themselves for a fight.

"Murco!" Ster cried out earning a weak groan in response.

" _Marco!_ " Lewd Ho mocked in an annoying tone. "Get her!"

"YOU FRICKIN FRICKS JUST CAN'T EVER BE QUENCHED!" Ster screamed as her wand crackled and popped with magic power.

"Er… what?" Lewd Ho asked nervously as his monster assault immediately halted.

"YOUR FANTASIES CAN'T EVER BE QUENCHED, CAN THEY!?" Ster screamed as she started slowly levitating off the ground and wind started to blow around her.

"What is she talking about?" Lewd Ho asked the buff frog monster guy next to him who shook his head.

"YOU FRICKIN FRICKS!" Ster screamed as she fired a super-charged rainbow laser death beam that exploded in the middle of the monster's ranks.

"RETREAT!" Lewd Ho called out in fear as he started hopping away as fast as his chin could carry him.

"WHEN WILL YOU LEARN!?" Ster cried as she fired a slew of other deadly explosions at the retreating monsters.

"SAVE ME!" Lewd Ho screamed as he ducked in front of a ginormous tree monster to dodge a death ray.

"WHEN WILL YOU LEARN!? THAT YOUR ACTIONS HAVE CONSEQUENCES!?"

Ster fired a barrage of deadly and explosive magical spells as she reached the crescendo of her petty baby rage. She destroyed three entire aisles of the store in an attempt to snuff out every one of Lewd Ho's monsters. Luckily she missed about 73% of his monsters and only managed to take out a few random extras.

"Ugh." Ster said as her burst of magical energy drained out of her and she fell to the floor with a resounding thud.

"Ster!" Murco called out running up to his collapsed girl friend. "Ster! Talk to me!"

"She's dead! HAHAHA! FINALLY!" Lewd Ho cried happily as he bounded towards the collapsed girl and more importantly the wand lying besides her.

"YOU FRICKIN FRICKS JUST CAN'T EVER BE QUENCHED!" Murco screamed adopting his badass karate bullshit stance as Lewd Ho and his monster army regrouped and charged him.

"Shut the fuck off kid and give me the wand!" Lewd Ho shouted staring greedily at the plastic piece of garbage at his feet.

"YOUR FANTASIES CAN'T EVER BE QUENCHED, CAN THEY!?" Murco screamed karate chopping a fish monster completely in half with his bare hand.

"Just grab the fucking wand before he repeats what she already said!" Lewd Ho commanded nodding to the unprotected wand, an order which his army ignored entirely and continued running to their deaths at the hands of Murco.

"YOU FRICKIN FRICKS!" Murco screamed roundhouse kicking seventeen monsters at once killing at least half of them. "WHEN WILL YOU LEARN!?"

"I learned already, shut up!" Lewd Ho screamed back.

"WHEN WILL YOU LEARN!? THAT YOUR ACTIONS HAVE CONSEQUENCES!?" Murco screamed as he threw a flurry of punches that knocked out or outright killed the remainder of his army in one fell swoop.

"Want something done right you have to do it yourself!" Lewd Ho shouted as he bounded towards Murco in an epic one-man charge. "HYAAAAH!"

Murco let Lewd Ho get within kicking distance before punting him into the nearest wall, knocking him unconscious. "Ster! Wake up! Talk to me!"

"Ugh, Murco? Is that you?" Ster asked sitting up and rubbing her forehead. "Feels like I drank too much of Unicorn Face's happy juice."

"Don't speak her name ever again." Murco said shuddering at the mere thought of the flying horse head.

"Sorry, anyway how'sjguyatyhb?" Ster asked before clearing her throat. "Sorry, the writer dropped something onto his keyboard. Anyway, how'd the fight go?"

"Pretty good, I think we're clear to buy my…" Murco looked around for the phone they had picked out in the previous chapter. "Crap, where'd I put it?"

"Gotcha!" Ster said holding up the cracked phone as they both laughed.

"Oh man, you got me-" Murco stopped laughing when he saw the state the phone was in and gestured with both of his hands towards it. "Excuse me, what the fuck?"

Ster giggled cutely as she hid the phone behind her back. "Uh… whoopsie?"

"Fuck it. I'm using the landline from now on." Murco said throwing his hands up in defeat as Ster stumbled to her feet.

"So… we good to go then?" Ster asked looking around at the death and destruction they had brought to this once peaceful realm. Lol, jk. It's Municipality, they're engaged in like six wars right now so it wasn't very peaceful to begin with.

"Yep, good to go." Murco said opening a portal with a quick snippy-snip of their scissors.

 _ **Meh, short chapter and I personally don't like this one very much. I could literally spend any amount of time improving it, but instead I'll just post it as is.**_


	15. Deez Nutz Fam in Lay Vaycay

"Murco, I don't think you'll fit it in there!"

"Just hold still!"

"I am holding still! It's just so _big_!" Ster yelped. "Oh, corn! I think it's finally in!"

"Thank God, now to thrust it in and out like so." Murco said grunting as he exerted himself. "Oh, yeah, there we go!"

"Murco, I'm starting to have second thoughts about doing this!"

"Calm down, we're using protection." Murco swiftly pulled his feather duster out of Ster's wand with a sigh relief as he peeked into the magical device. "There, I think it's all cleaned out."

"Thanks, Murco. Hopefully cleaning out the dust will help with my magic." Ster said flicking the hood of the wand closed.

"You were talking about my duster being big, that wand is huge on the inside!" Murco said collecting the bubblewrap they had covered the floor with in case they dropped the wand. "Well anyway, we'd better get downstairs it's my parent's anniversary."

"Anniversary!? But I didn't get them anything!"

"Just make something with your wand, lol."

"Oh, yeah! Why didn't I think of that?"

And then she did.

 _ **This chapter is my magnum opus, if I do say so myself.**_

 _ **Reviews:**_

 _ **Illogicallydead - Thanks for the kind words! I'll do my best to keep updating this and avoid another nearly-year-long gap between chapters.**_


	16. Mu Bert E

"And then Ferguson said "I'm not fat, I'm thicc!" and then I walked away." Murco said with a laugh. "What a fat tub of lard he was."

"Uh huh."

"Did I ever tell you about the time Elf Hanzo tried to impress Bitchney by doing a backflip in gym class? Idiot nearly snapped his own neck." Murco said with a sigh. " _Nearly._ "

"Mmhmm."

"Ster, you listening?" He asked turning to face her as she stared off into space. And by space I mean his face. Essentially she was staring right at him. "Hey, you got a little paint or something."

"Huh? Wha?" Ster asked snapping out of her stupor as he reached over and peeled off a purple heart.

"Looks like you got another heart." He said holding it up to her face.

"Murco what is wrong with you!?" Ster shouted as her face flushed and she snatched the heart from his hand. "Didn't your mother ever tell you not to touch a girl's Mewberty hearts!?"

Murco blinked twice before responding. "No."

"Well don't do it." She said taking a deep breath. "This is not paint."

"It certainly didn't _feel_ like paint. It was kind of warm and-"

Ster slapped him across the face before continuing. "I think I'm going through…" She walked up to the camera. " _Mewberty._ "

"Wait, does that mean Mewmans have mewbs instead of pubes?" Murco asked with a snicker. "Mewbes."

Ster slapped him twice before grabbing him by the collar and pulling him close. "Murco this is serious! You need to keep me away from boys or…"

Shifting uncomfortably as Ster's eyes went blank Murco cleared his throat. "Uh, Ster, just a hypothetical question here, um, what happens if you get close to a boy?"

"I turn into a sex crazed bug monster that will relentlessly hunt you down and bring you to my perverted sex dungeon." Ster stated matter of factly.

"That sounds… wait a second… I'm a boy."

"Murco's a boyyyyy."

"Yeah… about that." Murco said nervously, lifting her hands away from his collar. "Let's just… get you back home before something happens."

"Boy." Ster said reaching for Murco.

"No. Bad sexy bug girl." Murco said slapping her hand away.

"Boy."

"No."

"Boy!"

"Hey, stop it!"

"Boy! Boy! Boy!"

"I said stop! Get your hands out of my pants!"

Suddenly Elf Hanzo put his hand on Ster's shoulder with a laugh. "Hey, Ster, did you lose something in Murco's pants?"

"BOY!"

"AUghguhghguhghgh!" Elf Hanzo shouted as he was tackled to the ground. "Murco! Help me!"

"No, I don't think I will." Murco said with a smirk as his former friend struggled to fend off the horny (because she has those horns on her headband you sick fuck) blonde.

"Murco, please! I'm a virgin!"

Murco laughed with a voice dripping with sarcasm. "Nooo… You? Virgin? Why you gotta lie like that?"

"Murco, please!"

"Murco for the love of corn get me off this nerd!" Ster shouted despite still struggling to molest said nerd.

"Alright, alright, sheesh." Murco said walking over and pulling her back by her dress collar and spilling a boatload of purple and lavender hearts all over the mentally-scarred Elf Hanzo.

"Boy!" Ster shouted throwing herself at Murco and clinging to him.

"Oh, great, this again." Murco said with a sigh as Elf Hanzo ran away straight to the school counselor. "Lift your legs, one, two, three."

"Boy."

"Christ, what is this gunk?" Murco asked as he was practically glued to Ster by the hearts she was constantly sprouting. "Eugh, so sticky."

"Boy take girl somewhere private." Ster commanded.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. Homeward bound." Murco said with a grunt as he struggled to walk with the girl clinging to him with all six arms. "Wait, what the fuck?"

"BOY GO HOME!" Ster shouted angrily as she suddenly grew large wings from her back. "IF BOY NO GO HOME, STER TAKE BOY HOME!"

"What's with the caveman speak anyway!?" Murco cried as he was lifted off the ground and whisked towards the Deez family household.

"Hah, sorry, just trying to set the mood."

"What mood are you going for?"

"Primeval, I guess. I can't really explain myself because of all the swirling emotions and feelings coursing through my veins. I guess this radical change to my physiology is just scary to me. Will I still be the same lovable murderous psychopath I was before I hit mewberty? Or will I just turn into a slut like Bitchney Dong, chasing down any boy that I cross paths with? I don't know, and that scares me so much I find it difficult to adequately articulate myself and my thoughts therefore I simply resorted to using basic words and phrases to make it easier on my mind. But even if I change, I'm sure my friends and family will still love me all the same, right? I hope so, but I can't be sure and that's just another worry added onto the mile high pile of worries in my mind. There's so many things running through my mind right now that I can't even focus on what I'm doing. I'm just following the basic biological urges that come to me, I suppose it's just evolution at work after millennia of Butforflys have undergone the same process. Maybe they even had the same fears and worries that plague me and they're just a natural part of the process. Perhaps, all these fears are irrational and I shouldn't be worried because billions have undergone this period in their lives before me and everything turned out okay for them. But then again, what if everything changes? What if my friends and family don't like the new me that comes out of this? What will I do? How will I deal with that? Just more unanswered questions that I simply have to wait to find out the answers to."

Falling into a solemn silence Murco left his friend to her thoughts as they cruised through the midafternoon sky. After a few minutes they finally landed on the balcony of Ster's tower and he finally spoke up. "So we banging or what?"

"Oh, yes, we banging."

Murco and Ster then proceeded to have the sex for many hours until Mr. and Mrs. Deez came home and were horrified at the scene before them. Ster and Murco cuddling on the couch having fallen asleep to a movie. Cuddling before marriage? Not in their Christian household! So they were both grounded for three weeks.

 _ **Almost three months exactly since the last chapter. I saw I was lapsing back into laziness about two months ago but just didn't do anything about. So I finally sat down and shat out this chapter one boring night.**_

 _ **I thought about doing a chapter on Brittney's Party but instead of her birthday it would be her wake. Ster and Murco wouldn't be invited for some strange reason (a real head scratcher that one) and they would crash the funeral. The whole thing just didn't feel right to me so I decided to skip it.**_

 _ **As always feel free to flame, berate, insult and mock me in the reviews.**_


	17. Picts Topiary

Ster slid down the banister of the staircase in her bedroom tower towards the sound of a nerd laughing. As she circled down the spiral staircase she heard Murco pleading with someone through the laughter of… what was that nerd friend of his named again?

"Please, Elf Hanzo won't go away! Help me!" Murco cried.

Ah, that was it, Elf Hanzo. Expertly flying off the end of the railing she landed on her feet and assessed the situation before her. Elf Hanzo was rolling on the floor with laughter while Murco was on his knees seemingly praying in front of her magic mirror.

"Hey Murco! Hey… whatever your name is!" Ster greeted, being ignored by both boys as Murco continued pleading with the alien creature in her mirror.

"Please, dude, you gotta like call the interdimensional police or something!" Murco cried pointing to the bespectacled bastard rolling on the floor behind him. "I'm telling you, I don't know how he got into my house!"

"Ahaha, Murco stop it! Stop it! You're killing me!" Elf Hanzo cackled as he wiped a tear from his eye. "You're a great actor!"

"Killing you? That's it! I'll just kill you!" Murco said with a sadistic laugh as he hopped onto his feet and turned to the nerd on the floor. "Say goodbye, old… well I never really considered you my friend in the first place so just say goodbye!"

"Stop! Stop! I can't breathe!"

"You won't be breathing ever again in a minute!"

"Murco! No! No murder in my bedroom!" Ster chastised stopping him moments away from shanking Elf Hanzo with her dimensional scissors. "You should know how hard it is to get blood out of hardwood floor!"

"Aw, come on!" Murco yelled stabbing the scissors back into her nightstand. "Shanking bitches is much easier than strangling bitches. Even if they're weak and puny like him."

"Sorry, babe, my room still smells like death from Lewd Ho's last attack." Ster said shaking her head.

Elf Hanzo finally started to calm down but like, what was so funny? Even if Murco wasn't serious it wasn't that good of a prank call. It's not he called and asked for Seymour Butz, now that would have been funny. "Oh, Murco, we gotta hang out more often!"

"Yeah, no, never come back here again." Murco said staring down at the nerd.

"Agreed, never enter my room again." Ster said staring down at the geek. "Now I'll have the smell of nerd in my room for the next month."

"Whatever, let's just go to another dimension and leave him here. Hopefully he'll get bored and leave." Murco said picking up the dimensional scissors and briefly considering just shanking Elf Hanzo despite Ster's warning.

"Ooh, ooh! Take me with you!" Elf Hanzo shouted shifting around so he was on his knees in front of Murco in a very suggestive manner. "This dimension is so boring!"

"Ster, come on! He's within arms reach!" Murco cried turning to his friend who just so happened to be a girl. "Just one quick swipe and he's done for!"

"Actually, I think it'd be fun to bring along… uh, him!" Ster said sliding up next to Murco and whispering in his ear. "Just go along with it, and you'll get a nice _surprise_ when we're done."

"Oh boy! Come on, Elf Hanzo, let's go on an adventure!" Murco said helping his brand new best friend to his feet. "Where do you want to go first? Amethyst Arcade? The Bounce Lounge?"

"The anime dimension!" Elf Hanzo replied enthusiastically wiping the smile from Murco's face in an instant.

"What're you, a fucking weeb?" Ster asked coldly.

"Yes! I love me some anime tiddies!" Elf Hanzo said nodding his head with a smile.

"Oh, thank God!" Murco said breathing a sigh of relief. "As long as it's just the tiddies."

"Had us going there for a second." Ster added with a laugh. "C'mon, _friend_ , let's go!"

"Say, have you always had wings?" Elf Hanzo asked as Ster turned and cut open an ugly bright pink portal.

"Can't exactly call em wings, look at the little buggers they're like mosquito bites." Murco said with a laugh.

Ster gave him a good ol' one-two slap before smiling at Elf Hanzo and stepping aside. "You first, _friend_."

"Oh boy! Big tiddy goth gf here I come!" Elf Hanzo shouted happily as he ran headlong into the portal.

Murco and Ster rolled their eyes as they followed him into the horrid, awful, eye bleedingly cute anime dimension. Every direction held cutesy architecture or adorable schoolgirls rushing every which way. Elf Hanzo had already started bugging one of the poor creatures as Ster and Murco approached them.

"So I'll call you?" Elf Hanzo called out as the girl ran away screaming bloody murder. Turning to his so-called friends he smiled. "I think I got myself a date!"

"Uh-huh. Good job, bro." Murco said sarcastically in a sarcastic manner that went right over Elf Hanzo's head.

"Thanks! Now let's go waifu hunting!" He said running off towards a group of innocent anime girls giggling on the street corner. "Hey, ladies!"

"Oh my God, what is that thing!?" One of them cried running straight into the street where she was instantly creamed by a bus.

"Ouch, that'll leave a mark." Murco said as he and Ster winced.

"Does that count as my kill? Should I feel guilty for that?" Ster asked as Elf Hanzo scared off the other two girls by simply waving at them.

"I think that went well." Elf Hanzo said walking back to the lovers.

"Yeah, man, you're really knocking 'em dead!" Murco said stifling a laugh at his own pun.

"You're a natural born lady-killer." Ster added making eye contact with Murco.

"You could say you're to die for!"

"Aww, you guys." Elf Hanzo said covering his cheeks. "You're making me blush."

"Now go out there and go get some puss-puss, champ!" Ster said slapping on a pair of latex gloves before turning him around and pushing him forward! "You got this… uh... Alf Hand Soap!"

"Thanks Ster, you're a good friend!" Elf Hanzo called out as he ran off to find more females to harass. "She's a keeper, Murco!"

"Well no shit, Sherlock." Murco said shaking his head as Ster pulled out the scissor and cut a portal home.

"After you." Ster said bowing before the latino.

"No, no, I insist _princess_." Murco said bowing before the bowing blonde.

"No, really, go in the portal." Ster demanded bending over further.

"No, no, no, ladies first!"

"Seriously, Murco, just go in the ding-dang-diddly-damned portal!"

"No, Ster, you go in the damn-diddly-do-dah portal!"

"Just walk through the fuckin- Ow!" Ster stood up straight and held her head as she bent over so far she smacked it into the ground. "Alright, fine, I'll go first."

"Thank you." Murco said following behind her as they left Elf Hanzo behind in the horrid, disgusting, hellhole of a dimension.

"Well, that was easier than I thought. I figured we'd actually have to kill that guy." Ster said still rubbing her head.

"He's good as dead now, I doubt anyone will be willing to feed him." Murco said with a laugh as he sniffed the air. "Hey, do you smell-"

"Lewd Ho!" Ster cried out whirling around to face the monochrome kappa face. "How did you find me here!"

"Bitch, this is your house!" Lewd Ho said turning to the buff frog monster that Ster had grown a liking for. "Talk about a dumb blonde."

"Why you little- Gatling Gun Arrow Massacre Beam!" Ster cried unholstering her wand from her pocket and aiming it at the monster army who braced themselves. As her wand lit up a searing pain in her head caused her to cry out and drop the wand. "Ah, corn's sake that hurts!"

"The wand!" Lewd Ho shouted creaming himself as he watched the plastic superweapon clatter against the floor. "Get me that waaahahahahaaaand!"

"The wand!" Murco cried chucking himself over the genocide-enabling device. "Ster, gank these fools!"

"Oh, right, right!" Ster said adopting a fighting stance and growling at the encroaching horde of horrors and a total beefcake of a frog. "Come and get some, faggots!"

"Kill the girl, she's defenseless!" Lewd Ho commanded cleaning himself off.

Several dozen monsters met their makers at the hands of Ster as she effortlessly punched, kicked, and chopped them down. She did this cool flying kick move where she jumped at a monster and kicked him in the sternum, shattering his ribs and puncturing his lungs.

"Murco, stop being a deadbeat and deadbeat these monsters with me!" Ster shouted doing a flying roundhouse kick and downing a venus flytrap monster.

"Hah, that's a good one. Cause deadbeat means I'm useless and you used it in the context of beating monsters to death." Murco said with a chuckle as he stood up with the wand in his hand. Pointing the tip of the wand at Ster he shook his head playfully. "You sure are a card, you know that?"

"Thanks, but don't touch my wand!" Ster said snatching the wand and slapping him across both cheeks. "Super mega bomb- Agh, crap, why my head hurty?"

"Come on, we need to make a stand!" Murco shouted grabbing her hand and leading her up the spiral staircase.

"Wait, wait, wait, stop! Timeout!" Lewd Ho cried out from the bottom floor as Ster and Murco looked over the railing at him.

"What?" Ster asked.

"Didn't we already do this?" The kappa face asked. "We were chasing you up the stairs, you were shouting about making a last stand. Then, something hit us from-"

"ATTACK!" Elf Hanzo shouted as an army of scantily-clad anime girls wielding various weapons suddenly came pouring out of a portal. "KILL THEM ALL AND LET GOD SORT THEM OUT!"

"Oh, Gods, shield your eyes comrades!" The Buff Frog man commanded covering his face with his hands. "It's too horrific, don't look!"

With the majority of the army shielding their eyes they were easily cut down by the anime girl army. Those who survived the slaughter quickly retreated through the portal Lewd Ho cut open for himself. As the anime girls went around securing the kills by stabbing any monster bodies Elf Hanzo called up to his friends.

"Guys, come down here, you won't believe this!"

"What the hell just happened?" Murco whispered to Ster as they slowly descended the stairs.

"I don't know, just play it cool for now." Ster whispered back before addressing the nerd before them. "Alf, it's been so long!"

"It's amazing how a few months can feel so long, isn't it?" Elf Hanzo asked with a hearty chuckle. "It feels like just yesterday I arrived in Animeland."

"Months?" Murco asked with eyes so wide they rivaled dinner plates.

"Well, half a year would be more appropriate I guess." Elf Hanzo said with a smile. "But it's good to see you two again. And it looks like I popped in for a visit at just the right time, too!"

"I don't- But we left you for- I guh… What!?" Murco shouted in total confusion.

"Well after you guys dropped me off I went about securing relations with as many waifus as I could. Turns out I'm the only man in the entire dimension so they all came flocking to me after a while." Elf Hanzo explained pulling a rather voluptuous girl dressed in black close to him. "They crowned me king and that was that!"

"So, you're just gonna stay in that hellhole then?" Murco asked.

"Yep, got me a nice life over there. Of course I'll still drop by every now and then."

"Yes! Woohoo!" Murco cried out doing a little gay boy dance of happiness.

"Well I'm glad things worked out for you, uh, Alfy." Ster said with a fake smile. "Thanks for the help with Lewd Ho, and um, see you around?"

"Oh, alright, I guess we'll be going." Elf Hanzo said with a twinge of sadness. "It was nice catching up."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever, fuck off." Ster said, shooing him and his disgusting army of half-naked teenagers back through their portal before snipping it shut herself. "Ugh, Murco, my head still hurty."

"Well you did hit it pretty hard back in that vile dimension that faggot now calls home. I'm sure it'll go away in a few more minutes." Murco said putting an arm around her and pulling her along. "Come on, let's get you an ice pack."

 _ **I think I'm falling back into my groove, let's hope it lasts longer than the last time I fell back into my groove. Or don't, and hope it lasts shorter and I leave and never return. Either way works for me.**_

 _ **As always feel free to flame, berate, insult and mock me in the reviews.**_


End file.
